Saturday, September 16, 2006

5 Initiatory (Aaronic) Steps to Ending Gaydom

From reading some posts on LDS UN-Friendly blogs (please don't do this at home, I'm a professional) I have come across several posts about Gays. These posts will lead you to believe that Gayism is ok. We non-Gays know this is just not true. The Book of Mormon clearly spells out that being Gay is an abdomination. Just look at the example of Sodomy and Gonareah. Both of those cities were destroyed by fire and brimstone due to excessive Gayism. I think they even named some STPs after them.

So if you are Gay or are contemplating being Gay, here are some steps to help you overcome those urges:
  1. If you are a man, wear pants. If you are a woman, wear a dress. You be surprised how this will allow you to identify with your own gender.
  2. If you are a man, don't wear makeup. If you are a woman, wear makeup. Same reason as number one.
  3. If you are a man, don't go shopping. Instead chop some firewood or play football. If you are a woman, don't chop firewood or play football, instead go shopping....see how easy this is?
  4. If you are a man, talk like a man. If you are a woman, talk like a woman.
  5. If you are a man, walk like a man. If you are a woman, walk like a woman.
I think this is enough steps for now. I promise if you follow these initial steps you will be well on your way to ending those discusting urges that you know are wrong. You are not in this alone. There are many good mormons that will help you. I know you can do it if you try.

With prayful thoughts,

Molly the Mormon

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're here to show us the error of our ways, but I was not aware of the Book of Mormon condemning homosexuality as an abomination. Please quote chapter and verse.

Good thing I'm mostly safe then.

Anonymous said...

Even though this is satire... ouch. :(

Molly The Mormon said...

Sister Porpoise,

I'm not sure where it is found. I think it is in the book of Heber.

I will check and get back to you.

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

CW,

I assure you this is not satire.

Molly the Morman

Anonymous said...

Ah, there's you're mistake, the Book of Heber is in the Pearl of Great Price. It was translated through the power of the Priesthood from the Reformed Jive it was written in.

Anonymous said...

This is a joke, right??? "Abdomination?"

Molly The Mormon said...

Emily,

Thanks so much for your post. Your comments on self control are very appropriate for our young priesthood brethren.

You get a Sunbeam point.

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Anon,

This is no joke, it is a very important work. The field is white and ready to harvest.

I do apologize for being a poor speller at times.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

JohnAGJ said...

Molly,

I too thought this had to be parody when I first read it, but alas it appears that it is not. I'm going to assume that you are sincere in your desire to share the Gospel with gays, yet I have to tell that this is not the right approach. First of all, learn something more about homosexuality. The advice you give besides being ripe for parody does nothing to "cure" gays nor does it help a very large number of us who do none of the things you advise us not to do. You base your list on stereotypes, not reality. That is insulting to people with half a brain and not likely to lead to productive conversations with many gays. Think of it this way: do you really respond well when fundamentalist street preachers descend upon Salt Lake to save Mormon souls using quite a number of stereotypes and misinformation? I doubt it. Thirdly, understand that a large number of people including gays know about Mormonism and may reject it because it is incompatible with their beliefs. I myself do based on theological grounds. Yet an honest exchange of beliefs and ideas is the only approach. Those you speak with may not agree with you, I for one do not, but at least some will learn something of your faith and respect you for the effort. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

John... Molly speaks only with love for us wayward souls. I hope you can follow her advice within the spirit in which it was intended. In the meantime, you should go to La's Self Examination Blog and look at the post "Bishop Rick is a Funny Guy" to see how serious this blog really is.

May the Porpoise be with you.

SocietyVs said...

Oh Gawd are you good. I read through the blogs and I think this is absolutely funny. Keep up the great writing.

Anonymous said...

Wow Molly more great insight. Well if I were gay I would seek you out for my treatment.

Anonymous said...

What happens if you only wear make-up sometimes? Do you become bi?

Molly The Mormon said...

Well, now Kazoo, that is a great question. Let's analise that. If a girl sometimes goes without make-up, she might not get as many dates with boys, which could lead her to become disenchanted with boys, thus turning to the only other alternative...being gay.

So I would say that when she wears make-up, she is straight, and when she doesn't, she is gay, so yes, this could lead to being bi.

Hope that helps.

Remember girls to always wear make-up.

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

Dear Molly, I'm not a Mormon, so I don't know if you can even speak to me, but I'm not gay, so I hope that get's me a sunbeam point. However, I do drink tea, so I think I just lost that sunbeam point...oh heavens, I forgot what I was going to ask you.

Go with the profit sweetie.

Anonymous said...

I did a bad thing. I read Tripped by the Mormons, but that must be a good thing because it led me to your site. I am a little concerned. You see, I am a single mom...divorced actually...my LDS husband never went on a mission...is that why my marriage failed?

I work at home and I find that on most days I do not style my hair or wear make-up, and often times because of house work and yard work, I wear men's boxers an awful lot of the time...they just tend to be more comfortable for those tasks. I have not become attracted to women yet, but do you you think I should worry?

Anonymous said...

Molly,

If you ever had the opportunity to see my beautiful dick you would know why I stroke it with such tender passion.

If you ever had the opportunity to see my ass you would know why every man (and woman for that matter) would like a piece of it.

If you would ever like to REALLY have a moment of coital passion like never before, then pray, fast and when I tell you I'm one of the Nephites, the 4th Nephite to be exact, just say YES !! YES, YES, YES, OH, OH GOOOD !!!!!!!!

Anonymous, as I cannot reveal myself unto the world until my mission is accomplished of finding you and *pleasing* you for all your faithful works in *his* name.

Ever Faithful

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I think Molly has fainted at the last comment. Someone get her some smelling salts, quick!

Hey, someone get ME some smelling salts, quick! It's a little hot in here right now!

Molly The Mormon said...

Anonymous,

I know you are not one of the 4 Nephites. They would never use foul language like that, and certainly not my beloved Joseph.

You and your kind are a sad lot indeed. Not only are you condemning yourself to Hell with your Gayism, but you are going to go blind in the process.

What good can becume of a a Gay blind man?

Please recognize the errors of your ways and turn to the true church to help you overcum your urges.

When you have these sinful urges, you should read the Book of Mormon and think of Joseph Smith.

Oh, I know you can do it. Please report back with your progress.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

Molly - He should think of Emma! Or Mother in Heaven...

Molly The Mormon said...

Kazoo,

You are so right. Thinking of brother Joseph might lead to those urges.

Anonymous,

Think of Emma, or me or Kazoo.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

Maybe Anonymous likes to think of both Joseph and Emma. He get's that celestial lift.

Rasputin,

Tracy

Sideon said...

Oy vey - I'm getting the vapors.

Joseph Smith is a wonderful model for us gay guys. Granted, he was a horn dog for anything in a skirt, but he spent much of his time cloistered with a bunch of other men (who were sexually frustrated, since he was bangin' their wives). The man told great stories and he knew how to party. Heaven knows that he must be divine - he's had as much of a makeover as Jesus did, based on the recent whitesome and delightsome hunkilicious portraits.

I'll pray about this serious issue, but something tells me Mother Nature could give a flying fuckarama.

Lovely blog, by the way. Reminds me of those pleasant douche commercials.

Anonymous said...

Well Molly, I tried what you said but it didn't help not one bit. At the end of each exercise I still felt the urge to suck on my boyfriend's cock and then lick his balls and stuff. Am I doing something wrong or are you just making this shit up?

BTW, that Ramiumptum word really turns me on. What does it mean beyond what I have decided it means for me?

Anonymous said...

Molly love - I forgot to mention that I have a wonderful gay article about myself currently playing on my blog. I was sure you'd want to check it out and that's why I came back and posted again.

It's obvious that you're trying to stay as informed as possible when it comes to all things gay, so I thought, "Well hell, point her to my blog. It couldn't hurt, right?"

Here's the link: http://beaniecapguy.typepad.com

Do study and ponder what you find there and then touch yourself under your panties to see if the Gawd of Clitoral Wetness has borne witness to you that the things I've said are true. (Even if no wetness has witnessed to you it'll still be fun touching yourself for a few minutes. Go ahead, just do it.)

Since you are sincere I feel the least I can do is be sincere too. KnowwhatI'msayin? Good luck with everything. Oh yeh, and you're going to need extra help with that Sideon guy. I hear he sucks cock and takes it up the chute regularly. I have a feeling he's going to be a hard one to drag back into the fold. But you sound like just the bitch for the job! Go for it girl - let's see what you're made of.

yours in Jeebuz, Jopez and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio

Tom

Molly The Mormon said...

Sideon, Tom,

Please use lighter language on this blog. There are children that read this stuff.

Tom,

Of course these things didn't work. They are just the initial steps. I will be posting additional steps soon.

Once I feel you have mastered these Aaronic steps, and that you are ready for the Melchizadek steps, I will poste them.

Thanks for at least trying.

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Peter,

This is my calling. I truly believe that your "friend" can be helped if he follows these simple steps that will turn your "friend" away from men and towards comely young women.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Rev. Gregory "Doc" Lowrey said...

It seems to me that gayism is so virulent that there is little hope for some people who are afflicted with it.

Yes, this is a very difficult issue.

I doubt that boys who are having relations with other boys can easily get over their love of boy sex.

Girls on the other hand who are having girl sex, if they would try boy sex likely will find that they enjoy boy sex just as much as boys do, provided they can get the boy to calm down a little and do some of the things that girls would do to each other if they were having girl sex.

But basically, I think that if a person, gay or not, tries boy sex, they are hooked.

So boys who are not gay should never experiment with boy sex as they could get addicted the very first time.

But for girls, it is different.

If you are a girl, especially if you are a gayist girl, it would be an especially good thing to have some boy sex as there is some hope provided you keep working on being more girl-like and seek out boyish boys.

But if you are a boy, it may be (nearly) impossible to break away from the desire for more and more boy sex just as girls once having "good" boy sex also seek more and more boy sex.

If a girl asks the priesthood for a laying on of the hands to help them want more boy sex, then the Holy Ghost will help them.

If the girl is thinking even about wanting more girl sex during the laying on of hands, the association with so many men and the Holy Ghost (who is another man - and a God even)may likely overcome their girlish gayish desire.

Even if they continue to have girl sex, as long as they include boys in their sex, they might, with the help of the Spirit, reinforce their newfound desire for boys and thus become, step by step, less and less gayish.

But if boys ask for the same laying on of hands by the priesthood and during the laying on of hands are thinking about how they would like to have sex with the priesthood member that is annointing them, it is unlikely the Spirit will endorse the blessing.

Further if they are so addicted to boy sex that they become sexually attracted to the Holy Ghost, well, that would just drive the Spirit away.

Even though He is a God, the Holy Ghost is not likely to stick around some guy who is wanting to do all the stuff that guys do to guys with Him.

How would that look to have people calling one of the God's gay? I'm sure it would not do at all.

You can easily see from the comments here that girls most often are interested in overcoming their gayish girl urges, while the boys actually blatently flaunt and revel in their gayite ways.

So, IMO (and not that I have any personal knowlege of the struggle since I am not gayish at all) gayish girls have a greater opportunity for success in overcoming their gayishness, especially as they can use clothing and make up to help establish a different self-image, while gayish boys find that a gayish boy dresses nearly identically to a non-gayish boy.

Gayish boys also do not have make up to wear or not wear and likely have little success getting the wiggle out of their walk (if they have developed their gay ways to the point that they have a gay walk.

As a priesthood member, I know most other priesthood members would be much more likely to embrace a gayish girl than a gayish boy.

Now, I know that some people would wonder about me actually endorsing girls having boy sex but I think even God would agree that overcoming something as serious as gayness demands extreme measures.

No one would fault a girl for taking these steps to re-establish her proper relationship with God and secure her place in Eternity.

As women are (in gospel parlance) the weaker vessels, we should expect God to forgive them even if they occasionally backslide into the now and again girl on girl interraction.

I think it is unfortunate for boys that God would fear the intimate contact necessary to enter into their hearts and thus turn them from gaydom.

So while gayish girls seem willing to consider being semi-gay (which is a good first step), boys I think are more stuck in their gayness and generally are happy to be gay and happy to stay that way.

I for one would certainly never tempt God (or the devil) by attempting even a casual bout of boy sex, no matter how great all the girls and boys say it is.

And while I do want the Holy Ghost to be in my heart, I don't want him in me in a gayish way and I trust that being a God, He is only interested in being my friend and reserves his sexual interest for girls like all the other Gods before Him.

At least that is my non-gay hope.

I certainly don't understand why all these gay boys want to have sex with you Molly.

You are obviously very much a non-gay and a girl.

Does this mean that they are really not quite as gay as they would want us to believe?

What would their boyfriends say?

I hope I havn't offended any gays by my frankness.

It is just that God really doesn't want any gay boys in Heaven and He doesn't want any gayish boys walking around telling people that they "represent" Him.

Then people would be saying, "What?" "Is God GAY?"

And that would not be good for anyone.

JMHO,
Doc

Rev. Gregory "Doc" Lowrey said...

Not weird Jennifer, Peculiar.

Molly The Mormon said...

Doc,

I agree with, I think.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

Mocking Gods true church with bring judgments to you all at the last day, consider yourselves warned

Anonymous said...

Dear Molly the Morman, you are a dumbass...o wait im sorry im not exactly sure if you can comprehend such big words. If you think by any stretch that you are a good person or a HELPFUL person you need to just up and die right now. First of all, if you are gay u are not sinning it was just your path you decided to take and if you were a good christian or mormon w/e the hell that religion is...then you would know that but you are a BITCH and worse a STUPID bitch. the fact that you think some of these posts are serious is ridiculous. you are clueless and anyone who listens to you is clueless. SECOND the advice you gave is...well i cant really find a proper phrase for it. so here's what im going to say. suck my clit fat stuipid bitch!


BTW IDK IF NE ONE WILL GET THIS CUZ THE LAST POST WAS JANUARY...soo ya.

Anonymous said...

hmm...you dont know anything about guyism..why dont you read somthing before you help other with nothing. considering yourself being not a guy doesnt work. You must have to control your mind. many bad habits needs to be considered. Meditation is required. Your tips are joke and nothing else. but a post was helpful so i cant say its all waistage of time.

Edegra Online said...

I'm not sure where it is found. I think it is in the book of Heber.