Thursday, October 12, 2006

Melchizedek Steps to ending Gaydom

Well, it seems that many desperate Gays have tried to rid themselves of the despicable habit of Gaydom by following the Aaronic (initial) steps I outlined in my last post. To all of you Gays, I send you a Sunbeam Point.

Now of course, you can't be expected to overcome such a hideous practice by merely taking the initiatory steps. You now must take the next big step towards washing your garments of sin, yea even the sins of Sodhomy and Gonareah.

Melchizedek Steps:
1. Complete all the Aaronic (initiatory) steps.

2. Think of things that will turn you off.

Men:
a. Think of your boyfriends penis as a poisonous snake spewing venom. This will make you steer way clear of that thing.
b. Think of what comes out of the other end as well. Where do you think aids comes from?

Women:
a. Do you know where your girlfriends mouth has been? Think about it. Is that something you want to kiss? Not me thank you.
b. Gay women don't even shave their legs or armpits. If you stop and think about these things, you will see that this is not what you really want.

3. Do something nice for someone of the opposite sex. This will take your mind off of your urges and may even get you your first real God-sanctioned date.

4. Avoid touching yourself. You must get used to not touching things that resemble your urges. Great Mormon leaders have counceled us to leave the door open when we use the bathroom or take a shower. Tie your right arm to the bed post (left arm if you are left-handed). This will make it hard to play with yourself at nite. Wear 3 sets of clothes (fully fastened) to bed to make it difficult to touch yourself at nite.

5. Finally, whenever you have spare time, read the Book of Mormon. This way you will not have time to be gay.

Oh brothers and sisters, I feel so strongly about this, and I just know that if you follow these 5 steps (after completing the initiatory steps) you will be able to overcome your weaknesses, and be able to turn them to your strengths. I bear my testimony to you that these things are true.

In the name of Joseph Smith

Ramiumptum

Molly the Mormon

35 comments:

Mavis said...

Molly, what if you're a lesbian? How can the priesthood help the poor unfortunate females within the "Only True Church?"

In the name of Bring um' Young,

Mavis

Doc Loco said...

Gee Mavis,
Women - even lesbians, can submit to the righteous power of any man who holds the priesthood. For a sincere woman - even a lesbian, the power of a priesthood blessing from any priesthood bearer (even a 12 year old Deacon - who dosn't touch himself) would surely bring the power of God and the Holy Ghost to bear against the awful urge. And I hope you weren't attempting humor at the expense of Brigham Young and the pioneers with your Bring em young remark. It was important to have young girls of 11, 12 or 13 years of age (in the old days) to begin bearing children to bring the righteous souls waiting to be born in to holy families early so as to bring as many as possible before they got so ugly and worn out from chores and childbirth that they looked like um.........lesbians. That's what polygamy was for (back when God liked it) to make sure the children kept coming by providing comely (yes young) ladies to take over from the worn out, but still righteous hags in the church.
I would think all this should be obvious. You must not have the gift of the Holy Ghost or you would know all this by the inner promptings of the Spirit. You need to invite the missionaries over for dinner and ask them to bless your home and kick the devil out as only a pure, 19 year old holy man can.

Molly The Mormon said...

Doc Loco,

You are so right. Thanks so much for supporting truth and righteousness.

Mavis,

I hope you can learn to stop touching yourself so the spirit will be able to dwell within your heart and soul. Only then will you be able to realize the fullness of the gospel and have the spirit of understanding that will help you understand polygamy and God's other eternal truths.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Mavis said...

doc loco, can I invite the female missionaries over for dinner? I promise I won't touch myself, or even them.

In the name of Bring um' Young,

Mavis

Jennifer said...

Oh my....
You are ill informed aren't you.
I would suggest doing some research...and finding out where AIDS really comes from.

Stay Human

The Sinister Porpoise said...

Moly, while you've been a great help to our gay brothers and sisters, I'm sure, will these steps help those who wish to change their gender? Please, the folks with GID are also lost souls crying out in the wilderness who could use the help of a righteous sister like yourself.

Sideon said...

Molly.

Penis = spitting snakes? **pondering** They do kind of feel similar, now that you mention it.
Reverse psychology - I think you might be onto something! Or ON something.

I'm really worried about your view (notice - singular, not plural) regarding sexuality.

Molly The Mormon said...

Jennifer,

Everyone knows that AIDS comes from human excrement, or by kissing someone with AIDS.

I suggest YOU do some research.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Sideon,

I can feel that you are coming around to the true way of thinking.

Sunbeam point for that!

You really needn't worry about me though. I assure you that I have a firm grip on my sexuality.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

Ya, she has none....

YOU seem to imply that only Gay & Lesbians excrement is AIDS ridden.

What about all those hetrosexual people who go for a good BJ once in a while?

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Anonymous, Molly has no clue what BJ means. I'M not explaining it to her!!

Sideon said...

I think she knows.

If she compares penii to snakes, then she must've had a hung elder (or his brother).

Doc Loco said...

Oh come off it. Everyone knows BJ is just short for Brother Joseph. It was God's eternal plan for many heterosexual women to get into BJ for their own eternal salvation. You say BJ like it is a bad thing. BJ is one of the holiest of the holy and it is a very good thing to always reverence BJ. I for one will always stand up for those who will get on their knees to render BJ service in holiness.

And Mavis, I'm surprized that you can't see how transparent your real intentions are about those sister missionaries. Why, even the idea of thinking about eating and sister missionaries at the same time would cause the holy spirit to bear witness to even the most hardened soul that you have unwholesome desires regarding inviting these sweet, sweet sisters over to eat.
You might consider hanging around the elementary school during 6th grade recess and see if you can find a nice deacon to lay his hands on you to purge you of your wrong thoughts.
Just an idea.

Some of you people are just mean and have twisted thinking. Thank goodness you are at least willing to come here and consider more righteous ways to look at your lives.

And Sideon, you sound like someone who doesn't pay their tithing. No wonder your thinking is so depraved. Would you say those things in front of President Hinkley? Aren't you at least a little ashamed of suggesting Molly associates with an elder (or his brother) who would consider hanging himself? Elders hold the high priesthood and are the best people that God has on earth. An elder would never sink to such low thinking as you suggest and I'm sure Molly wouldn't either. I don't know her personally, but she seems a pinnacle of purity to me.
I mean, I don't want to sound harsh, but gee whiz - get on your knees man!
Doc

Molly The Mormon said...

Doc Loco,

I couldn't have said it better myself. Your insight into all things spiritual is uncanny. It is as if you and I had the exact same thought patterns.

I think all righteous men and women (including Sideon) would have to agree that there is nothing holier than BJ. In fact, I hope to be part of a never ending BJ in the hereafter. I can't think of anything better than being eternally connected to Brother Joseph.

Sideon,

What is this nonsense about hanging elders? The extermination order has been repealed for years now. Good Grief!!

I do however, have to give you credit for thinking to invite the sister missionaries over to eat. What a thoughtful thing to do. Sunbeam point for you. Maybe there is hope for you yet.

Keep going through the steps!!

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

Ummmmm...BJ as in Blow Job! YOu know penis in mouth. Sucking slow then fast..over and over.

And well hung would imply.....a very large penis.

Crawl out from under your rock sister!

Sideon said...

Never ending BJ in the hereafter?

I'd be a Mormon again for that.

Doc Loco said...

Mr Anonymous,
Surely you must know that hiding behind anonymity is a sign of spiritual and moral weakness. Why even God and Jesus introduced themselves when they visited young BJ. (though I am certain he would have recognised them without it) Who would want to believe in a religion headed by some unknown god anyway? Thank goodness you are not too cowardly to seek out advice on reuniting with the holy spirit.

Just remember (please) that it is the Devil who speaks from behind the veil of anonymity and you likely should sever your association with him, embrace BJ and come to the light. (just a suggestion)

I do find your assertion about an alternate rendering of BJ to be intriguing even in it's oddness (though you are certainly incorrect about it's use here).

I really don't think many people could even get their penis's in their mouths, but you are right to suggest that any activity like that should be undertaken slowly so as to prevent chafing, spinal injury or other associated damage.

You are obviously not associated with the One True Church or you would know that we do not actually use the term "penis" except in a medical sense. Certainly is is a sign of gentile crudeness to use the word penis in relation to the holy act of divine pro-creation or any other acts associated with it.

In the Lord's true church, most Saints do not refer to their penis at all, since there are many spiritual things we do not discuss outside of the temple. Also, as Molly has outlined in this very posting, thinking about your "penis" is a sure road to perversion, homosexuality, AIDS and apparently, though I have no personal experience with this, an unholy association with excrement.

If we were to refer to the penis in a non-medical sense outside the temple, most of us Saints would describe it not as a penis but as a "member". I have heard it referenced occasionally as a "staff of creation", "wand of the Lord", "God's Hammer", "Sword of the Lord" and the "Holy Stick", but those terms are generally only used in public meetings or family home evening. "Member" however is the usual rendering of penis. So whenever you are thinking "penis" just substitute the word Member. You will get a lot further with God and His people if you do. Just thought you should know.

Although you are certainly missing the point about Brother Joseph, it is not unusual for the less spiritually inclined to attribute a more worldly and often degenerate meaning to things even as holy as good old BJ.

While I am certainly supporting Molly in her correct interpretation of this issue you raised (she obviously is very close to the holy spirit, especially on this BJ thing) at the same time Saints are taught by the Lord to be tolerant of the less righteous. (that would be you)

Perhaps you might find if you do your penis in mouth practice sincerely and repeatedly with real dedication and purity of heart (as odd as it seems) it may actually turn out to be your own personal path to God and the True Church.

I mean, I don't think the Lord would allow you do teach PIM in His Church as I have reviewed the current Sunday School Manual and can't find any reference to it there though I have read in the newspaper that some Primary Teachers and Bishops do teach something very similar in private.

In the True Church we are taught that there is some truth in all religions in spite of the fact that Satan is the real god of all other churches but ours. So there is a chance that you may have stumbled on one good thing and true even though you got it from the Devil, but I still think most of us lack the flexibility required.

Still, there is hope for sincere people who are dedicated to their beliefs.

Maybe some day your PIM thing will bring you to seek out some nice sister missionaries to teach you further truths. I think the brother missionaries would be a bit unsettled if they asked you to pray and you did your PIM thing. Sister missionaries are a little older and more tolerant of some things as all good sisters should be.

You raise an interesting point about the length of the holy member.

It is of course another sign of your spiritual ignorance since all (male) Saints are blessed with a "Godly Member" and all Sister Saints seek a good and Godly male Member to be their constant and eternal companion.

The actual proportions you are interested in can not be discussed outside the Temple (except maybe in a secluded sacred spot in the woods) but be assured, God knows His business when it comes to Members. The biggest and best of all things after all, are reserved for the Saints.

When you get closer to God (through the True Church) you will understand all these things, so please don't despair in your ignorant sinful state.

Just remember when you are practicing your PIM that Jesus and President Hinkley love you and God and all the Holy Angels and even your deceased relatives are all watching over you.

I'm sure many righteous souls in Heaven praise God every time you practice PIM in righteousness.

I think it is wonderful that Molly seeks to be eternally connected to Brother Joseph though many Elders in the Church also seek an eternal association with BJ. Fortunatly, there will be many,many extra sisters in (the High) Heaven so men who pay their tithing and attend their meetings will enjoy all the blessings attributed to BJ as well throughout eternity - worlds without end. (I know you didn't understand that last part, but I am obligated by sacred oath to say it at certain times and places)

Sister Molly is also obviously NOT under a rock. How could you suggest such a thing? Can't you see from her picture how neat and tidy she is?

If you would read your Book of Mormon, you would find right away that the Rameumptom is the "high place", and while modern Saints may get high in many other manners, in the BoM days, it was a tower from which prayers were given.

If Molly is praying and thanking God for how lucky the Saints are to know the Truth and not be like all the other worldy (and slightly icky) people, she certainly could not be, as you suggest, under a rock. She would likely be very high and near to God as she and all Saints should be.

Well, I've said enough I suppose. I need to leave something for Molly and I certainly don't want to feed you my meat (of the gospel) when you are only ready for milk. When you invite the Sister Missionaries to your home (as you surely will as we are all praying for you)they will make sure you are as completly filled as they are.

Simeon,
See, you left the Church before you could receive a true understanding of doctrine. I'm sorry you had your feelings hurt. Grab your back tithing and go see the Bishop - don't be afraid.

You may have thought that you could engage in heavenly intercourse without the blessings of BJ but a careful study of the teachings of the church will show that BJ is required to enter through the Gates of Heaven. Jesus alone is not enough. BJ will be there for all worthy Saints who want to see God.

BJ and Jesus work together to make all Saints perfect and happy.

I myself am working dilligently to ensure BJ as my eternal association, which of course I will share with my many wives and concubines throughout all eternity (worlds without end).

So pay your tithing and go to church. Get on your knees for BJ and the True Church or if you can't get on your knees you can stand and ask some nice sisters to get on their knees and help you reach BJ and Jesus.

Don't forget when you are seeking BJ to think of Molly and all her patient and wonderful efforts to help get lost souls on the right path to perfection through BJ and the One True Church.

I might mention by way of helpfulness, if you are having a hard time connecting to BJ, perhaps you are not putting enough chocolate chips in your cookies. You can't scrimp when it comes to the Lord you know.

I know this has been long, but as a priesthood holder I am obligated to allow the Holy Spirit to speak through me till He's done. I hope this has been of some help.
Doc

Molly The Mormon said...

Amen, Every member a missionary.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Mavis said...

Oh, you are right Doc Loco. I need to go see the deacon right away, about this BJ you keep talking about. I think it might help me with the female missionary problem I seem to have.

Bringum' Young,

Mavis

Doc Loco said...

Well Mavis,
I am gratified that you might be beginning to see the light.

As you render service to the priesthood, certainly your eyes will be opened. Worlds without end.

Further thought has prompted me to reconsider my advice about seeking out a deacon, though I am very impressed at your eagerness in that regard.

However you might want to seek out a more seasoned Elder, (at least 19 or so) as they are the closest to God and the Deacons might not know too much about same sex attraction, though I am sure if they did lay their hands on you the Holy Spirit would help them serve you quite as well as their bishops and primary teachers will certainly have taught them well.

However, elementary school children do belong most exclusively to bishops and primary teachers and while their ministrations may be well practiced, they may suffer some confusion if you have no official position of authority over them.

I do think one with the Higher Priesthood would prove a more experienced and deeply satisfying member.

I know this may be a great disappointment to you - that I would get you all worked up to find a deacon and then suggest differently, but if you think about it, not only would the deacon likely not have the breadth nor the girth of understanding you would find in a more developed member, but also, the relative softness of youth may cause you to think too much of the softness of your own sex, er...gender.

Please excuse the rashness of my suggestion. I am truly sorry if I got you all worked up over the idea. I am sure you wouldn't want to trespass on the bishop's territory.

Additionally, I am sure you would agree, receiving or rendering service to the younger priesthood would likely engender that haste which makes waste, and that is nearly always a very sad thing.

I promise to give more thorough consideration before I make future recommendations, as I truly seek to offer relief to this unwholesome girl interest which so plagues you.

I really do think in a case like this a more developed member, especially one with a deeper and more penetrating appreciation of the contributions of BJ would likely serve your particular needs better.

Were you not a girl, I might suggest you try Mr. Anonymous's spiritual meditation technique, or a girl version of it if you are flexible enough, but in any event, whether you seek the comforts of the fold with the sister missionaries or choose instead the ministrations of a member of the priesthood, you should as always reach deep within yourself and explore your deepest feelings while you let the Holy Spirit be your guide.

I am confident that with a little help and a positive outlook, you can lick this problem and if you can't lick it yourself, there are plenty in the church who would certainly and gladly lend a hand.

Sincere best wishes,
Doc

Kita Kazoo said...

Dear Brother Loco,

I'm getting horny reading what you had to say about BJ, DIM, milk and meat and deeply satistifying members and such... And I don't know why.

Do you talk to your wife about this stuff? Maybe you should. She might like it so much she'd put on a skirt and make-up and not think about touching soft female flesh herself!

But then again, after thinking about it, wouldn't it be good to be at least bi in a polygamous heaven? Even God only has one member to administer to all of his holy harem, and forever is a long time.

Worlds without end,
Kita

Doc Loco said...

Yes Kita,
You must see that is the Holy Ghost witnessing to you of the truth of these things.

Since you address me as Brother Loco, I assume you are a member of God's One True Church. Worlds without end.

As such, I shall address your question quite frankly.

Some of the things I have to share only apply to women who are already members of the Lord's Church and even then only because they have the Gift of the Holy Ghost to guide them and the Priesthood to bless them, through BJ of course.

It is only because women are the "weaker vessel" that your interest in same sex encounters makes you see it in such a carnal light. I suspect you are a little behind maybe in your tithing.

But I have to admit that you do have a good point about keeping a few thousand wives satisfied in Heaven.

A man holding the Holy Priesthood can handle all variety of experience including I am sure, sexual encounters which for a woman would be morally and spiritually deleterious.

How else would a bishop keep his job?

You should know however that the rules in Heaven are different than the rules on Earth.

If you make it to the Highest Heaven, where Polygamous Eternal Marriage and Concubinage is mandatory, God will change your heart to be so pure that even bi-sexuality would not be a problem or stop you from being holy.

In fact you would want it more than anything else and it will be perfectly ok and normal.

It is only here on Earth that thinking about girl-sex can get you in trouble - and it causes just as much trouble for boys as it does for girls. It's just that men have the priesthood to help them.

Remember it was a woman who introduced sin into this world by listening to her sensual desires. It is only by submitting to a priesthood member (through BJ) that women have any chance of progressing eternally.

If you are having thoughts about being bi-sexual, perhaps you should ask your husband to pinch you or spank you or share with you the deeper principles of BJ or something to drive those ideas out of your mind.

If you do give in to your desires for bi-sexual behavior, your husband likely will be too worn out and distracted to spend much time thinking about God and being a god. And where would that get you?

Don't you think your scripture study time would suffer? Don't you see all the complications?

I admit, two (or more) women on their knees united with their priesthood member may help a man feel closer to Heaven. I just wonder where it all would end up. Would you all be equally filled?

I think one woman is dangerous enough as it is, but if you are determined, perhaps you could see if your bishop could give you a special blessing to ensure that your bi-sexual behavior was guided by the Holy Spirit and not by pure lust.

Bishops have that kind of power you know. Just be sure all your tithing is paid before you ask or it could be embarrassing.

After all, there are exceptions in all things (with the Lord). Nephi had to cut off Laban's head. God had to have sex with his daughter. Elisha had to have a bear tear to shreds 42 children for teasing him. Brother Joseph (BJ) had to marry many, many young girls and other men's wives and such. He even had to have sex with women while their husbands were downstairs praying for the blessings of the Spirit to be upon his wife while she was engaged with BJ.

But in each case the Holy Spirit was there to make it ok.

So you see. That is the difference. As all things are possible with God, I don't think a blanket condemnation is in order, but you must be very careful.

I suppose you have to ask yourself; "Am I wanting to have sex with other women to build up the Kingdom of God and Glorify His Holy Name or am I wanting to have sex with other women just to satisfy my own base desires?"

If you are following all the excellent advice that Molly has shared from her own studies and from the priesthood and you still want to have sex with your husband and other women at the same time, maybe it could be ok.

But if you just want to have sex with other women without including a priesthood member, I would say you are treading on dangerous ground and likely would find you had unintentionally perhaps, ommitted some important step in the anti-gay procedures that Molly has so graciously outlined.

Since polygamy is mandatory for the hereafter it is quite possible that bi-sexuality (for women) would also be mandatory.

But here on earth, we generally are just too impure in our hearts to partake of such things.

That is why after all the people who had BJ in their hearts had gotten all the wives they could handle, the practice was forbidden - until the prophet brings it back of course.

It could be that some very holy men who pay double tithing and do their home teaching could be given those blessings here on earth, but God doesn't feel inclined to tell other people about it.

So maybe as with the PIM exercise, you could be prompted to these feelings by the Holy Spirit and in your case, sex with other women (and a priesthood member) could be a part of your path to holiness through BJ. (and Jesus)

And of course you know that Saints in the Lord's True Church are allowed many opportunities and blessings which are denied to all the non LDS people since God loves them less.

As in all things, follow the Spirit. If your heart is pure, all will be well.

And you know, "horny" is not a very spiritual term for a sister in the One True Church to use. Can't you use a more spiritually appropriate term such as "anticipated"?

If you find that you just can not control your urges, rather than falling into sin, maybe you could apply to be called as a primary teacher.

Best wishes to you,
Doc

Kita Kazoo said...

Oh My Goodness Br. Loco!

Now I'm hevenly anticipated! I feel the Holy Ghost in every part of my femalehood! You have reached into my very deepest recesses and I feel touched by your advice!

What should my husband spank me with, a brush or his bare hand? Where should he pinch me?

Molly better change the topic soon or for sure I'll end up spending my Sundays on my knees learning more about BJ from my preisthood head and miss sacrament meetings!

Doc Loco said...

My Dear Sister Kita,
I fear your passions have you slightly out of control.

This is a spiritual discussion.

It seems you are missing the thrust of what I have shared which should have engendered a deep and penetrating spiritual experience for you.

You simply must immerse yourself in BJ to escape your obviously overwhelming urges.

If you spend enough time on your knees in fervent devotion you certainly will be filled.

It is not my place to dictate where and with what you recieve your ministrations, but I do feel something must be done for you post haste.

I would not recommend missing any of your meetings, especially Sacrament meeting as eating of Christ's flesh and drinking His blood is the only way to ensure the Holy Ghost will be with you to lead you out of error and into righteousness through the teachings of BJ and all who practice those teachings in holiness.

You could be one of these.

Pay your tithing.

Rather than proposing a change of topic, I think you should go back and search, ponder and pray over the steps to overcoming gaydom. After all, it is your own eternal happiness and opportunity to make babies forever that is at stake.

You would be sad indeed if your untoward passion and gayistic tendencies deprived you of your chance to be continually pregnant throughout all eternity.

I really don't want to dominate the conversation here, so please take this matter up with your proper priesthood member.

I have already divulged things that are beyond the spiritual ability of some who read here to understand.

I don't think it is wise to discuss too many things that are better shared in secret, holy places. Worlds without end.

Sincerely praying for your divine release,
Doc

Molly The Mormon said...

I agree with Kita. This doctrinal discussion is getting much deeper for the average reader to digest. I think my next post will be about the blessings of paying a full tithe. I am sure this will help those like Kita who are searching for the truth.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Mavis said...

Molly, will paying a full tithe help with finding a seasoned Elder to fully experience BJ? or is that against the law in Utah?

the sinister propoise said...

Why would Brother Joseph be against the law in Utah, the holy land?

Molly The Mormon said...

Mavis,

Paying a full tithing is but one step in getting closer to BJ.

It is however, great fire insurance. It will keep you from burning in Hell, and will save you when the destroying angels come to cleanse the earth of its chaff.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Jennifer said...

http://www.plim.org/tithing.html

Doesn't that kind of make you a religious pimp/ whore?

Mavis said...

Molly, I have been looking intensively an elder for my BJ, and I was wondering if Steve Young is qualified for the job. I watch him on tv, wondering if he has his wonder undies on, and I get all tingly inside. Is this a good thing?

Bringum' Young,

Mavis

Molly The Mormon said...

Jennifer,

That is a terrible thing to say. I tend to believe the scriptures before an article written by "Lord knows who" that is simply published on the internet.

Tithing is a devine pricipal which offers more blessings than the giver can recieve.

Mavis,

You can't get closer to Brother Joseph thru Steve Young, even if he is a descendant of Brigham Young.

That tingly feeling you are experiencing is the Holy Ghost testifying to you that Joseph is a profit.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

The Sinister Porpoise said...

Molly, I think we all would like to know how to get closer to BJ, especially Sideon, especially since he seems to be especially desirous of eternal BJ in the afterlife.

Perhaps that should be your next post, the proper way to develop an intimate relationship with Brother Joseph?

Sideon said...

Sinister - I slightly disagree.

I would hope there's more than eternal BJ in the afterlife.

Too much of a good thing could lead to chaffing.

Variety is key.

Mavis said...

Oh no! Molly, you used the word chaffing, and that got me thinking about Steve Young and eternal BJ's again, and well...steady girl, steady, just breathe, in, out, in ,out...ah, better.

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Anonymous said...

Mocking Gods true church with bring judgments to you all at the last day, consider yourselves warned