Saturday, September 16, 2006

5 Initiatory (Aaronic) Steps to Ending Gaydom

From reading some posts on LDS UN-Friendly blogs (please don't do this at home, I'm a professional) I have come across several posts about Gays. These posts will lead you to believe that Gayism is ok. We non-Gays know this is just not true. The Book of Mormon clearly spells out that being Gay is an abdomination. Just look at the example of Sodomy and Gonareah. Both of those cities were destroyed by fire and brimstone due to excessive Gayism. I think they even named some STPs after them.

So if you are Gay or are contemplating being Gay, here are some steps to help you overcome those urges:
  1. If you are a man, wear pants. If you are a woman, wear a dress. You be surprised how this will allow you to identify with your own gender.
  2. If you are a man, don't wear makeup. If you are a woman, wear makeup. Same reason as number one.
  3. If you are a man, don't go shopping. Instead chop some firewood or play football. If you are a woman, don't chop firewood or play football, instead go shopping....see how easy this is?
  4. If you are a man, talk like a man. If you are a woman, talk like a woman.
  5. If you are a man, walk like a man. If you are a woman, walk like a woman.
I think this is enough steps for now. I promise if you follow these initial steps you will be well on your way to ending those discusting urges that you know are wrong. You are not in this alone. There are many good mormons that will help you. I know you can do it if you try.

With prayful thoughts,

Molly the Mormon

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Follow the Profit

I still remember the song "Follow the Profit" from primary. It is to this day one of my favorite songs, and its words are wisdom to live your life by. I mean think about it. The profit has a direct line of communication with the lord, and as such knows what is best for us. Follow the profit, he knows the way. Whenever the profit speaks, you should listen intently and treat his speech as scripture. After all, when the profit speaks, the thinking has been done. Isn't that a wonderful feeling? You don't have to clutter your day with wondering what to do. Just follow the profit!! Be prepared to do whatever he asks of us. We all know that the end of days is upon us, and the world will surely be thrown into chaos. We should stand by and wait for the profit to tell us what to do when that happens. He might tell us to load up our SUVs and Ford Trucks with food and ammunition and meat at the Steak Center. There we can protect our food and our families, with force if we have to, and against any enemy. We are so lucky in the mormon church to have a profit to guide us in these latter days. We thank thee oh god for a profit.

Molly the Mormon