Sunday, November 05, 2006

Think of Tithing as Fire Insurance

Tithing is one of the greatest gifts that Joseph Smith gave to true followers. He taught us that heavenly father will reward us for paying an honest tithing, with more gifts than we are capable of recieving. I can't wait to get all my rewards. I have been paying an honest tithing my whole life. I know that my rewards are just adding up, and when they come, I will be blown away. I have such a strong testimony of tithing, why just the other day, I found a dollar in my winter jacket. If I didn't pay an honest tithing, someone else may have found that dollar. This is proof of the divine principal of the tithe.

There are some cheap scapes that try to conjer up reasons why not to pay a true tithing. Well, I only have one thing to say to them. Don't stand next to me at the second coming of Joseph Smith because you are gonna burn like toast.

Oh, I hate saying things like that, but its true, as found in the Book of Mormon. Please turn away from your wicked ways and go straight to your bishop with your check book open. It is not too late for this year. Tithing settlement is still a month away. Open your check book and let the windows of heaven open up for you. I just know that as soon as my blessings come, I will be amazed at their abundance. I want you to have that same feeling. I also want to be able to stand next to you at the second coming. Remember, an honest tithing is like buying fire insurance.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

63 comments:

The Sinister Porpoise said...

Molly, Molly, Molly... how little you understand the scriptures. Perhaps you should have a kind and loving Penishood holder like Bishop Rick explain things to you.

You only go to Hell for denying the truthfulness of Joseph Smith, not paying tithing merely lessens your reward, although if you are a reaonably attractive female in the afterlife, a righteour Priesthood holder or BJ himself may make allowances and call you to be a plural wife. Sadly, men miss out on this deal so if they want to be a God with the accompnaying harem they must pay a full tithe.

Mavis said...

Molly, you pay a tithe, not your husband? I thought women in the church only had to find their bishop and ask to give a BJ, not a tithe. Hummmmm...

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Dear Molly,

I quit paying tithing and quit going to church, and basically quit believing that the church is true. Why, then, do you suppose I got a $1 raise today?? I'm so blessed, even without paying my tithing. A little help here....

Molly The Mormon said...

sinister,

Now, your putting things in my mouth again. I never said you and sister mary were going to hell for not paying your tithing, but you will go thru the deep fryer on your way to where ever it is people like you go.

As far as men getting sealed to Brother Joseph goes, they absolutely do not have to miss out. Why do you think so many men let their wives marry Brother Joseph? It was so they too could be sealed to him thru their wives.

Everyone wants to be sealed to BJ. This is just a testiment to the gospel of Joseph Smith.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Mavis,

Of course I pay tithing. I have to pay tithing on the allowance my husband gives me, even though he pays a full tithing as well. This will get me extra sunbeam points when I stand before Brother Joseph at the second coming.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Sister Mary,

Perhaps if you still payed tithing, you would have gotten a $10 raise.

Duh, this is so obvious to me.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Mavis said...

Molly, you mean if I become Mormon and wait for BJ, I too can get a sunbeam point? Maybe since it's BJ I can get two.

Also, sounds like the church is double dipping if you and your husband pay a tithe on same said money.

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Molly The Mormon said...

Mavis,

You have it all wrong. It is us that are double dipping, since we will get twice the blessings. The more tithing you pay, the more the windows of heaven will be opened up to you.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to join the one and true church of Joseph Smith and then bring the rest of your family members into the fold.

This process can take time though, don't let not being a member keep you from paying a full tithing. Even if you are not a member, you still have a bishop. He will be glad to take your tithing check.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

The Sinister Porpoise said...

I plan on going to Canada after I die. Surely that's worse than any punishment BJ can meet out.

Sideon said...

I foresee lots of BJ in my future. I don't see lots of tithing checks. Not even one.

Molly, I'm worried that your god might be cheap. Your blessings were only worth a dollar? I was going to do wash the other day and found a $20.00 in the front pocket. Does that mean that my god has more mojo, more BJs, or a bigger pool of tithe payers who deserve more blessings?

Molly The Mormon said...

brother Sideon,

You are being fooled by satin. He is a very real force in our world, and he is capable of things beyond our comprehension. I would take that $20 and give it to your bishop so it can be cleansed of the evil that planted it.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Sinister,

Don't sell BJ short. BJ can meat out some serious punishment.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sideon said...

Molly, I love you, in a strictly plutonic kind of way.

Your sunbeam smile and provocative posts (and comments) makes my day.

Mavis said...

Mol, I thought BJ was a positive influence, not a punishment.

Are the Mormons not the Happy Cows of Utah after all?

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Anonymous said...

i think molly has lost a few nuts along the way

Molly The Mormon said...

Mavis,

BJ only exacts punishment to followers of Satin. He provides true enlightenment to true followers.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Sideon,

Thanks for the lovely comment. You get a Sunbeam point :)

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Anonymous,

Welcome to my blogernacle. Yes it is true, I have lost a few nuts along the way, but that is really not the term I would use.

I tend to use a more gentler term like lost soul. I share your concern about their well being. Let's pray together that they will return to the fold. Please everyone join with anonymous and me as we pray for these lost souls. I just know that together we can make a difference. Remember, BJ is watching you.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Arizona Expositor said...

Does tithing count if I give it to the synagogue I attend? Talking about BJ's, I love them too.

Molly The Mormon said...

It only counts if you give it to your bishop at the sinagogue.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Mavis said...

Mol, I would like to sing to your ever bubbley mood...

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

That's for you Mol, you Mormon Minx you.

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Jennifer Allen said...

molly i was talking about nuts in your own head because you are certifiable this is coming from a lds member

jennifer allen said...

And stop using bj they are making you look even more dumb because they are referencing blow job not brother joseph you quack

Molly The Mormon said...

Mavis,

I just love Mary Tyler Moore.

Sunbeam point to you !!)

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Jennifer,

That's a terrible thing to say. I can't believe anyone would compare our faithful brother Joseph to an illegal act of Gayism. It makes me shudder to think of such a vile thing.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Jennifer Allen said...

blow jobs are not an act of gayism... you are againe showing your ignorance. while i give you the point that gay people could proform them the great majority is women giving it to guys.

Mavis said...

Mol, BJ doesn't mean Brother Joseph? Well then, just what does it mean? Now I'm confused, and that doesn't take much.

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Corn Child said...

What if I paid all of my tithing but then I decide that I didn't get the coverage I thought I was getting (insurance-wise)? Is there an insurance board that I can file a complaint with to get all of my premium back?

The Sinister Porpoise said...

Of course BJ means Brother Joseph, don't let the wicked deceive you with their worldly ways. Always rely on a righteous sister like Molly -- or even better -- a priesthood holder to set you straight.

Chances are you'll run into many people who are happy to enlighten you about BJ.

Bishop Rick said...

Molly,

Are you for real? I don't think I have ever met a mormon as Molly as you...and I know alot of mormons.

The Sinister Porpoise said...

*sings* blame it all on yourself 'cause Molly's always a Mormon to me.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. A Mormon Ann Coulter... I never thought I'd see the day.

Honestly, you're just saying these things to rile people up. Just like our beloved Ann.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Bishop Rick, I think she's pretty real. Don't you? Can't you just feel that burning inside, that little piece of you that feels a one-ness with Molly? :)

Bishop Rick said...

Sorry SML, I feel no kinship to Molly whatsoever.

The Sinister Porpoise said...

Is it just me or is Molly's avatar one of the characters from Bewitched?

Mavis said...

"Is it just me or is Molly's avatar one of the characters from Bewitched?"

It's Sandra Dee, problably from one of the Giget movies.

Molly The Mormon said...

You silly people. That is a picture of me. I have been told I look like Sandra Dee and Samantha on Bewitched, but I assure you I'm just little ole me.

Sunbeam points to both of you for noticing.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Corn Child,

You can take up your complaint with Joseph Smith at his second coming, but I assure you that you will not be disappointed in any return on your investment with the Lord.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Mavis said...

My goodness Mol, you sure do look like Sandra Dee. Is she Mormon?

Just one of many said...

I almost want to put my garmies on again!!

Jennifer Allen FYI i'm mormon said...

molly did you just say at joseph's second coming we pray to jesus crist not brother joseph i think you need to reavaluate who you are really praying to and pray to the right man

Bishop Rick said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Molly The Mormon said...

Mavis,

I'm not sure if Sandra Dee is a mormon, but if not, she will make a great one in the hereafter.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

just one of many,

That's great!!
If there is anything I can do to help you in any way get closer to the church, please let me know. I have some great jello recipes I would like to share with you.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

jennifer,

of course our prayers are to heavenly father, but it is well known in the church that we achieve salvation through Joseph Smith.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I wish I looked like Sandra Dee. Then I could go around singing "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity! Won't go to bed till I'm legally wed..."

Sideon said...

Molly is so wholesome and yet so sweet... she makes my teeth hurt. Kinda like Cindy Bradey on steroids or like a form of spiritual sugar, without the monkey placenta additives.

Bishop Rick said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Molly The Mormon said...

sideon, you dog. I'm going to make you my special project. Sunbeam point to you.

I'm not sure what you mean about monkey placenta though. I will just leave that one alone.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

SML,

I think that would be, if you looked like stockard channing, you could sing those things.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

No, I meant if I really LOOKED like Sandra Dee, I'd be cheesy enough to go around singing that song everywhere I go.

I'm called Sister Mary Lisa because I was as prude as Sandra Dee as a teen.

Jennifer Allen said...

molly we recieve our salvation through the lord Jesus Crist that is why our church is titled The Church of JESUS CRIST of Latter Day saints if we recieved salvation through joseph smith it would be The Church of JOSEPH SMITH of Latter day saints if you really are a member of the LDS church and not some other one like the RLDS or the FLDS then you need to stop telling others that we deem joseph smith as our redemer because he is not the one that felt the pain of all our sins he is not the one that lived without sin you need to talk to your bishop and study your scriptures because you are being misled

Jennifer Allen said...

FYI mormonism and me is an anti-mormon site

The Sinister Porpoise said...

Jennifer Allen, I can see you are a great representative of Mormon intelligence as you immediately grasped the deadly serious nature of Molly's site.

I would enjoy debating Mormonism with you, but I'm afraid I've got to catch up my Three's Company reruns.

Sideon said...

Jennifer sounds like she was held underwater during her baptism just a tad too long.

Poor thing.

Molly The Mormon said...

Oh you ninnies. Leave poor Jennifer alone. She is a fervent member of the one true church, and has pointed out to me that one of my links is wrong. No Sunbeam points for you today !!

Jennifer,
Thank you for pointing that out. I will make sure and fix that. I guess I didn't do enough research on that link. It just sounded like a friendly website.

I will look up the references that state that we go thru Joseph Smith to gain exhaltation for you.

Of course I know that it was Jesus that died for sins.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Mavis said...

Mol, now I am really confused. Jesus saves but Joseph blows?

I really don't want to lose my hard earned sunbeam points.

HELP!!!

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Sideon said...

Jesus saves, but Hinkley spends.

Anonymous said...

There's something awfully fishy going on over at Sister Mary Lisa's blog. They are getting rather nasty and may need your guidance, Molly.

Anonymous said...

Mocking Gods true church with bring judgments to you all at the last day, consider yourselves warned

Alena said...

This blog is not writen by an lds woman. it is a prank. I doubt this post will stay very long either.. but just so people know, this is not the viewpoint we hold, and i find it rediculous that people feel the need to be dishonest.

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Louise Erdrich said...

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