Friday, December 01, 2006

Stand by your Man

This is for the all the married sisters out there. This past Sunday we had the best Relief Society meeting. It was about strengthening the marriage by doing all you can to please your worthy priesthood holder. I just have to share with you what we discussed.

Now, some of you may be thinking that your marriage is not what it used to be, or that there is no hope of rekindling that fire that the 2 of you used to enjoy. Sisters, if you want your marriage to change, you have to take things into your own hands. Simply by doing little things, you can reap big rewards. Here are a few examples of what you can do to make your husband more comfortable and happy, and this will translate into a blissful home and marriage:

1: While he is in the shower, run and place his towel in the dryer to get it nice and warm for him.
2: Place little sunbeam messages in hidden places that he will uncover. I like to unroll the toilet paper and write notes to my man there. Use a seperate roll of toilet paper if necessary to assure he gets the message.
3: When he gets home from a long hard day at work, take off his shoes and give him a foot rub. This could lead to even better things, like a bigger allowance.
4: Make sure he always has clean underwear, folded and sorted in his drawer.
5: Cook his favorite meal at least once a week. If he is late for work, keep it warm for him in the oven and don't eat until he sits down to his meal so he doesn't have to eat alone.
6: Always freshen up right before he comes home so you look your best for him. Make sure your dress is pressed and clean. Change dresses if you need to.
7: Wear his favorite perfume. Put it on right before he walks in the door.
8: Place the sports page by his plate when he comes for breakfast. Only ham and eggs will do for my man.
9: Make sure the kids are playing in the backyard when he comes home so they don't disturb him as he unwinds.
10: Mark on your calendar the days that his favorite sports team plays, and have it turned on waiting for him. My man can't get enough of sports.

Now, there a few excellent suggestions to make your marriage better. If any of you sisters have any great suggestions to add to this list, please feel free to add them here so we can all enjoy them. And if any of you brothers have a suggestion that us wives don't readily see, please tell us how we can make your life easier.

After all, it is the man who carrys all the responsibility for the family. He holds the priesthood, and you can't get into the celestial kingdom without him, so it is in your best interest to make his life as easy as possible.

Let me know how this works.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

88 comments:

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Wow, Molly. Interesting list. I'm sure I need it since my man left this morning without a word or kiss to me. I'll try every last one of these and see how it works. Do you think it will help even if my man isn't a priesthood holder?

Sideon said...

Molly, you are such a treasure. A veritable pearl in the shell. You remind me of those iconic McCarthy days of old. Thank you for reminding the blissfully ignorant masses of their marital duties.

Some further guidance (slightly edited from Housekeeping Monthly, May 13, 1955) to help women "light that fire" at home.

- clear away clutter.
- encourage children to be quiet, since they should be seen and not heard.
- be happy to see your man.
- smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
- never complain or greet him with problems. Understand his responsibilities, strains and pressures of being a priesthood holder.
- listen to him. His topics of conversation are much more important than yours.
- be a little "gay" and a little more interesting for him. (not gay, like my kind of gay, because that's MY job) He may need a lift, and it's your duty to provide it.
- remember - a good wife knows her place.

My observation: a woman is the marital jock strap that protects and supports the precious priesthood holder.

Molly The Mormon said...

Sister Mary,

I firmly believe that by following these tenets, you will not only strengthen your marriage, but go a long way towards converting your man and getting him the priesthood that you both need to gain exhaltation.

Good Luck !

Sideon,

Those are absolutely great !!
8 Sunbeam points for you.
1 for each suggestion.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Pete Dunn said...

You totally forgot to provide your man with unholy, unclean, and unnatural sexual practices. It is the woman's job to provide that, after all. Especially, if it is so generously being provided for her, right? And remember, spitting is rude. A real lady would never spit.

Molly The Mormon said...

Pete,

I don't think you understand the seriousness of this topic. Reproduction is a sacred topic that should only be discussed in the privacy of the home or temple.

No Sunbeam points for you.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Mavis said...

Mol, a question about sports. I thought Mormon's are not suppose to watch sports on Sunday. What if your man's favorite sports team plays only on Sunday, What then?

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Pete Dunn said...

Molly,
I wasn't talking about reproduction. Here, eat this banana while I explain what I mean...

Simeon's Peep Stone said...

I'm with Pete.

Molly, I'm sure you would at least encourage a nice massage with a happy ending . . . wouldn't you? I know it helps me to unwind. Should my TMB wifey be talking to the bishop?

Just one of many said...

1. Give your man a nice blow
2. Make sure your get your jollies in return
3. Send nuddy photos to his cell phone at work
4. Prepare a nice strong drink upon his return
5. Drink 4 before he returns
6. Make sure the only bun in the oven is one that is premade from the store!
7. Watch a good porn and tell him is is bigger than the one your are drooling over!
8. Make sure you use your vibe to have a really go RAMIUMPTUM!!!

Molly The Mormon said...

Pete,

I just love bananas. Sunbeam point for you.

Simeon,

Excellent suggestion. Nothing like a good massage. All massages have a happy ending. Sunbeam point for you.

Just One of Many,

1. That is horrible. Why would you hit your man?
2. My man always brings me a pack of Jolly Ranchers, but this is not about me.
3. I think that is spelled nutty. I actually like this one.
4. Nothing like a hot cup of Postum.
5. I don't think I have ever had more than 2 cups of Postum at a time.
6. I prefer to make my bread from scratch, but for those that do not have the cullinary gene, it is OK to purchase fresh baked goodies from a reputable bakery.
7. I think you mispelled corn. This good. Always give your man the bigger piece of corn.
8. Excellent, use your vibe (personality) to please your man.

I'll give you 4 out of 8 for 4 Sunbeam Points.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sister Mary Lisa said...

My grandma used to make us Postum. Love it!

Sideon said...

Did I ever mention the time I taught a former Relief Society lady how to properly please her man? Specifically, how to make him go ape while you peel his banana? No, I guess I forgot to mention that one.

I almost feel bad about being prideful.

Molly The Mormon said...

Sideon,

How helpful. Offering to peel my man's banana for him is a great idea. Right after I peel it, I can slice it up and place it in a bowl of cream and have it waiting for him.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I find banana cream pie is one of my favorite desserts. Secret recipe.

Hyrum Youngster said...

Dear Molly,

I should begin by saying that I was just in the temple feeling the spirit when I was suddenly and powerfully impressed to say this to you.

I was just wondering if you might be open to a spiritual outing. What I mean is, well, you know people outside our blessed community of saints -- in their wickedness, marriage is not sacred, and they divorce, have extramarital affairs, and, you know, that kind of stuff.

Well, I have a testimony that the proclamation on the family is true, that the Book of Mormon is true and that President Gordon B. Hickley is God's one true prophet and that I love my mom and dad.

And so, well, I was wondering if you would be my spiritual second wife. My wife will eventually accept it, and I know your husband, being a righteous priesthood-holding Saint, will eventually accept being spiritually cuckolded. They will feel the spirit and know it's true.

I know we don't do polygamy anymore, and I'm not one of those weirdo fundamentalist nutcases who practice our religion as it was originally (like the RLDS and other rejectors of the Christ), but I'm really concerned about not having enough wives to get, you know, a good planet and everything for when I'm a God. I need good, righteous women, and your spiritual cup runneth over -- like a double D cup, or some kind of monstrously augmented silicon-filled thing.

Sincerely and with best hopes for our spiritual future together,

Hyrum

Hyrum Youngster said...

Plus, you're like real hot in your picture. I'm feeling the spirit just looking at it.

Molly The Mormon said...

Hyrum,

You sound like an upstanding young man with a strong testimony of the eternal principals. Spiritual wifery is a serious ordinance. Currently there is no one on this planet with the authority to seal it. Gordon B Hinkley surely has the keys, but the authority has been lifted. Until the time cometh that this authority be restored, we can only long for the afterlife for such unions.

Also, I must say that I have recieved a personal revelation that I will be the spiritual wife of Brother Joseph, but thanks for asking.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Hyrum Youngster said...

Darn. BJ always wins out over lesser spiritual communion.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I wonder what being a spiritual second wife with Molly as a co-wife would be like. I could probably learn a thing or two from good ol' Molly, I bet. And she could learn a few things from me too! Whadya say, Mol? Can I join you in the next life? I'd rather plan this myself now since my husband won't allow me to take out my endowment in this life, and I don't relish the thought of not knowing what will happen to me in the next.

Hyrum Youngster said...

Well, Sister, you'll probably have to be eternally sealed to BJ to join Molly in the hereafter.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Yeah, but I figure what better way to ensure that I'll be left alone? He'll have way too much stress to worry about me. Besides, I have a feeling Molly will be needing a friend once she sees what it's really like.

Jennifer said...

Who is going to scootch the kids to the backyard so I can unwind...or id that the problem Molly. You are to tightly wound?
Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Hyrum,
Are you trying to say that only mormons have loyal, faithful marriages? I can think of some very loyal and loving couples of other faiths. I can think of one couple in particular that, when I see them together, are the most perfect match that I have seen. Actually, my own marriages was not a temple ceremony and we are as committed as any in the faith.

As for the little ways to keep a man happy, I don't think I need to resort to such things.
I actually speak to my husband on all topics.
I ask him how his day was and then tell him how mine is going. If I am having a bad day, I look to him for words of encouragement or at least some understanding.
I don't touch his smelly feet, but I enjoy when he rubs mine.
If I don't cook his favorite meal, maybe he will. He is very good in the kitchen.
When he gets home, the kids are his. I deal with the little buggers all day so it's his turn. After all, they are his kids.
I don't wait for allowance. He gives me his check and I take it to the bank. (I should note that I am a trained accountant so he has trusted me to handle the finances for years.)

Maybe you are satisfied with holding a subservient position in the relationship, but that's not for me. I don't have to agree with everything he says for him to love me and I don't have to act like the maid. Imagine that! I'm allowed to be a person.

Molly The Mormon said...

Oh anonymous, I don't know how your marriage has lasted when you treat your man in such a fashion. He has worked so hard all day and then he has to come home and do work that is supposed to be done before he gets home? Cook dinner and tend the kids too? What a horrible life he leads. Because of your selfishness, he has to be the man and the woman.

Please pray about your failings and let us all know if things don't get better at home.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Aerin said...

Molly - do you realize what you're saying when you close your posts with Ramiumptum? Maybe you should re-read that section of the book of mormon.

Better yet, have you thought about reading that section with your husband? He's probably so busy with all of his important responsibilities that he would appreciate the chance to listen to you read the word of god.

Molly The Mormon said...

aerin,

That is a great suggestion.
Sunbeam point for you.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

Molly,
You don't seem to understand and it's obvious from your posts that you never will. It's plain that you are either a good liar or socially ignorant. You hand out praise and your sunbeam points for blatant inuendo. In your world, the saying rings true that "Ignorance is bliss."

As for not knowing how my marriage has lasted, I'm not surprised. You wouldn't know the first thing about a marriage based on mutual respect and equality. We don't base every aspect of our lives on gender roles. My husband does things aroung the house because they need to get done. He spends time with his children because they are HIS children. We take equal responsibility for our children and our home. You may even find it shocking, but he enjoys doing things for me.
We are not just husband and wife, we are best friends. Yeah, you may not know how our marriage lasts because it is beyond your comprehension.

Anonymous said...

Another thing, Molly, I don't recall any teaching about being subservient in Young Womens. In fact, I was taught to change a tire.

Gluby said...

Oh, this is priceless. Thank you for brightening my day, anonymous.

Hyrum Youngster said...

Anonymous,

Well, it's true but I guess I shouldn't say it in mixed company. Come on, you know what the prophets have said, and how the Gospel changes people's lives. You just can't have the same love in a marriage that doesn't have that link to God through the Priesthood. It saddens my heart, all those people out there, ignorant of the blessings and engaging in whoredoms.

You'll probably have serious problems in your marriage and your faith because of your lack of a temple ceremony, though. All men and women need those ordinances, and that armor of God, or they are soft and vulnerable to Satan's crafty wiles.

I will pray for you until you are sanctified in the temple, as I know you are probably pretty open to Satan's influence without knowing it. I have a testimony that these things are true, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

But you're a pretty good person otherwise, I'm sure.

Hyrum

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I'm loving this discussion. I'm learning more here than I did the last time I sat through Home & Family Enrichment meeting.

Sideon said...

I'm learning things as well. Here I thought I'd been around the block enough times to wear a groove into it...

Shocking, I say, absolutely shocking, anonymous or otherwise (but deliciously entertaining).

Anonymous said...

Now, my husband and I are really loving this discussion. I informed him that there are people who believe our marriage is doomed to fail because we were not sealed in the temple. He wanted to know if we were sealed in, how would we get out? LOL. I love his sense of humor.
Hyrum, a whoredom? Really? That's what you believe all marriages outside of the temple to be? What about Mormon marriages outside of the temple? Shall ask the Bishop at the last wedding I attended at a Mormon stake why he would sanctify a "whoredom".
Let me assure you that the vows I made before God and witnesses are every bit as strong as the vows you make in the Temple.
My husband also comes from a family that strongly believes in the sanctity of marriage. After 43 years of marriage, his parents are still more in love than any Mormon couple I have ever met. his grandparents have been married for over 65 years. It would seem that their Catholic Priests were able to bless a marriage with just as much Spirit of the Lord as the Priesthood holders.
You don't even have to bother telling me that the first thing I did wrong in your eyes was to marry outside of the Mormon faith. I found a good man that I love, regardless of his religion. We have been happily married for over 11 years.

I could go on, but I will, instead, go spend some quality time with my husband on his day off.

Hyrum Youngster said...

Oh, Anonymous!

Please don't be offended or let bitterness pile up in your emotional mailbox! All it will do is make sure the little spiritual letters the Spirit sends you will just fall out, and you will lose the promptings and warnings of the Spirit!

I understand you have some concerns, but how can you trust yourself when you haven't received the blessings and ordinances of temple marriage? How can you be sure your independent thoughts aren't the enticements of Satan? Satan is very crafty, and you can't know truth unless it comes from the mouths of Mormon priesthood. And when you have thoughts that people can be happy and have real morals outside of the Restored Gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, you know that's the devil talking.

It's safest just to do what you're told, follow the counsel of the prophets and apostles, and AVOID THINKING, talking or reading about things that aren't Good and True and uplifting. The only way to stay clean and avoid whoredoms is to follow these things VERY closely, read your Book of Mormon a lot and be VERY afraid of spiritual contamination by unholy thoughts and those who work against the Kingdom of God. You can often tell them because they use reason and logic, and you know that your testimony will never be improved by reason and logic. Empirical and fact-based argument is the camel's nose; next comes your faith and your spiritual purity, and then you might as well have Satan be the third partner in your marriage, as you have separated from God.

Oh, and you have a right to expect your husband to convert. Like all people who really look to their hearts, he knows it's True. Even if he thinks it isn't, it's just him being stubborn and resisting Truth. Everyone knows it's true, because it is and the prophets have told us so. If people don't act on that knowledge, they're just fighting God, probably from their own ignorance and spiritual rebelliousness. He was probably not one of the more righteous souls in the War in Heaven in the Preexistence.

But we are to love the sinner though we hate the sin. So I suppose you should love your husband as your own act of Christlike charity. After all, think of the treasures you are laying up for yourself in heaven as you work to bring his soul unto God! And think of your joy in the Kingdom of Heaven together! And, after converting, he will become, as the Book of Mormon tells us, white and delightsome! What a blessing! How my busom burns as I write this to you! It's testifying to me right now!

You see, that's my priesthood in action. When the spirit witnesses to you, you just have to say Truth no matter how uncomfortable it is or who it may offend! I am so thankful that we have a living church and a prophet who talks to God daily, leading us through the darkness!

Stay strong in the faith, anonymous, and hold to the rod!

Hyrum

Hyrum Youngster said...

Oh, another suggestion. Also try watching Good and Wholesome movies that trigger the appropriate emotional responses while avoiding all that supposed reason and fact-based stuff, instead building up your faith through sheer inspiration and allowing the Spirit to witness to you that this is Good and True. My personal favorite is Legacy, though anything church-sanctioned is obviously helpful.

Feeling good after watching faith-promoting films is much nicer than kicking against the pricks. Surely if you watch Legacy with your husband it will bring him around before it's too late and Satan has you firmly in his grasp.

Hyrum

Sideon said...

This entire conversation is strangely arousing.

Intellectually speaking, of course.

Anonymous said...

Hyrum, hold the rod? That's exactly what my husband asks me to do!

As for having faith, I guess my trusts really dwindles when I know that I have been lied to. If the LDS church belief system is really the way that Molly claims them to be, then I was completely mislead when I joined and for years after. I don't buy the whole "milk before meat" line. It was deception.

Anonymous said...

By the way Molly, my husband made supper again. I wans't home.

I went to the school where my children attend and worked on the recycling program with my son.

hmmm...If he is holding down the fort so that I can do good work for the environment, where does that fall on your judgemental scale?

Molly The Mormon said...

Anonymous,

A good wife would have prepared meals in advance before leaving, so your husband would only have to warm them up.

Sunbeam point to your husband for being the stalwart Priesthood holder in waiting, that he is.

I don't understand why you keep neglecting him. How do you expect to convert him to the true Gospel of Joseph Smith if you make him carry all the weight of the family unit.

Brother Hyrum has given you some excellent advice, and I admonish you to take heed.

Remember, hold to the Rod and stop kicking against the pricks.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

It astounds me that you believe that having him cook dinner some of the time and put the kids to bed is carrying all of the weight of the family unit. He is a good cook and he enjoys it. While we were dating, we used to bake apple pie together. Those memories come flooding back becaues he baked a pie too. It looks delicious and has an apple carving on the top. He's artistic. It was quite a surprise to come home to, but he simply expained that there were apples in the fruit basket and pie crust in the refrigerator so he thought he would bake a pie. I will have to run to the store, however, because we are out of topping.
Maybe it's you, Molly, who is neglected. Maybe your husband doesn't love you enough to care about your needs. Maybe your husband views you as a second class citizen who isn't worth having an intellectual conversation with. Perhaps your title, instead of wife, should be Cook/Concubine.
If you turn around, can we actually see the hole where a hand is placed to make your mouth move? It's rather obvious to me as well as others that you cannot think for yourself, but merely recite the words of others. I bet if we look really close, we can see the mouth of a priesthood holder moving.
Don't give another thought about my husband being neglected because I will surely tend to his "needs" as a thank you for the delicious meal. Yes, Sideon, that means exactly what you think it does.

Hyrum Youngster said...

Well, anonymous, I'm not so sure where that falls. Environmentalism? Every good Saint knows that God made the world for man to develop it and multiply our talents. There is plenty and to spare.

The earth is fine, and it's all under God's control. I have a testimony that there is far more forest and animals and stuff than any righteous industrial development can even put a dent in. Plenty and to spare. I prayed about this specifically, so I know.

It is well-known that God loves free enterprise and is displeased by those who oppose its wholesome efforts. I understand that, because of the influence of Satan and other non-members on you, you think it may be a good thing that you spent time doing volunteer recycling work, but what else you could have done with that time? You could have been spreading the gospel, or strengthening the Saints by getting extra visiting teaching done, or even in the temple redeeming the dead. You could have been helping to clean the ward meeting house. The things that build the Kingdom of God. When the millennium comes, do you want Christ walking into a dirty meetinghouse? I sure don't, and that's why my wife works every Saturday morning to help clean the ward building and grounds.

But I do think it is good that your husband tells you to hold to the rod of your faith. And this confirms what I knew already; he may be outside the church, but it is clear he sees that it is true, as I said.

And I think it is very appropriate that, after all his hard work, you service him properly to make sure that both his spiritual and physical needs are met -- in the interests of procreation, of course, not vile carnal lusts. It is best to speak to your bishop or other such authorized priesthood holder on sexual issues, though, if you have any questions on what behavior is pleasing to God.

I hope you soon discover the true nature of the Restored Gospel, anonymous! I bear witness that your heart will be filled with joy and that, as a wonderful sister in the Lord's one true church, you will find that subservience and proper deference to righteous Priesthood Holders is the path to spiritual freedom.

Plenty and to spare,
Hyrum

Anonymous said...

I'm sure that I could have been out feeding the poor and as long as is wasn't in an LDS soup kitchen, you would think it the work of Satan.

Our recycling program teaches our children to respect their natural resources and contribute to society. The company that picks up our recylcing uses the paper instead of buying it so it does contribute to free enterprise. Then, our school gets some extra money for the recycled papers. The little bit of money we make helps supplement the public school budget in providing a quality education to the 750 students in the school.

I actually spend a lot of time volunteering at the school. I enjoy working with the kids and helping to provide support for their education. Many of the kids look to me as a positive role model and a caring influence in their lives.

I can understand why you would keep your wife's volunteer services in the church. I'm sure that after so many years of blind obedience, cleaning toilets and dusting are better suited to her skill sets than influencing future generations.

Lastly, if God didn't want a person to take pleasure in satifying needs, He wouldn't have made it feel so good. You blame Satan for unpure thoughts and ideas, but you have to remember that God built the body. He put nerve endings in just the right location. Maybe I should speak to the Bishop and provide him with some helpful advise on what of these behaviors would be pleasing to his wife. Oh wait! That's right. You don't care what pleases a woman!

You know, you expect me to bow down to every priesthood holder who walks by when that just happens to be every male over the age of twelve. The difference of a chromosome does not qualify one for special treatment. They are not innately more knowledgeable or intelligent. I must have missed the commandment of Honor Thy Teenager for he is a Chosen Piece Holder.

As for you declaring that you can tell my husband knows the church is true, give me a break. The only part of the Mormon church that holds any interest for him is the ploygamy. He loves to joke about getting a second wife with a really good job.

Lemon Blossom said...

I think we're having our own Fast and Sanctimony Meeting here on Molly's blog.

jennifer Allen said...

i agree with anonymous i dont think that a marriage is the women taking care of the kids 100% of the time or the women cooking and cleaning all the time i think its a mutual endever that both partners need to be part of also i do not plan on staying at home when i have kids i plan on being a high school history teacher so that i can touch the lives of as many children as posible (if you are putting names please put something as a last name even a fake one b/c i did not do the last jennifer comment)

sleepyinsaudi said...

Hold on everyone, it's called "satire"

Mavis said...

Mol, you might also start a fire, that is, if you have a fire place. Have extra wood, so your man can keep the fire going, but get it started before your man comes home.

Don't forget the book next to his easy chair, and dog laying down next to him.

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Hyrum Youngster said...

You mean anonymous has been writing satirically? It's not real?

I thought it was strange that people resisted simple, God-ordained logic.

Good one, guys. You really had me going!

jennifer allen said...

sleepy what you do not realize is that molly is resisting her words being called "satire". until she says they are then we will continue the argument

Anonymous said...

Well, Hyrum, I can assure you that satire is not my purpose for writing.

I am also trying to figure out some of the people on this blog. I don't know which people are serious. I must admit, however, that I am having a good time with it. Still, I'm also being honest.

In the spirit of being honest, I will tell you some truth about myself. I was baptized Mormon at the age of 9, although my parents were never Mormon. I went to church regularly, although I had a lot of quesitons. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and my brothers and I moved away with my mother. In our new town, I did find the local LDS church. There wasn't a stake building so they met at a Seventh Day Adventist church building and then a funer home. There weren't any other young women and about 4 young men. I didn't ever feel connected to my new church and quit going. I've only been to a Mormon church a handful of times since, although I am still on the books. I also have a visiting teacher that I get along with very well.
I stumbled on to this website while trying to gather information. The things that I am seeing on the internet are far different than what I was taught as a child. If some of the information is true, especially some of the views on this website, I just don't see how I could be a part of it.

Molly The Mormon said...

Oh sleepy, I assure you that this blog is dead serious. What could be more important than bringing more saints to Joseph Smith, and teaching the ways of the true kingdom? As Hyrum has so aptly pointed out, Satin's influence is everywhere. He has no doubt had a great influence on our anonymous sister who is having gender confusion issues. Women who are in tune with the spirit know their place. Our anonymous syster needs to shirk the chains of pride and bow in obedience to the holy priesthood.

I will pray for her, oh and her husband gets a Sunbeam point for the lovely apple pie he baked for such an undeserving soul.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Jennifer Allen said...

molly you are a B**** and those are not sun beam points

Molly The Mormon said...

Why thank you jennifer. B++++ is almost and A, but I agree with you. Sunbeam Points are only for A work.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon.

Anonymous said...

:) Funny stuff!

SML

Hyrum Youngster said...

I think the problem here was that we didn't start the commentary off with an opening prayer. Molly, I think it would be a keen idea if you could ask the first commenter to give an opening prayer and their testimony next time!


Anonymous, the adversary is so tricky, so crafty, always working against Goodness and Truth, and one of His favorite new tools is the internet. He'll often use so-called logic and reason and evidence, but it's all there to throw you off the trail and ruin your testimony.

Don't listen to what the anti-Mormon people on the internet tell you. No one can leave the church well enough alone, because it's true and they all know it! I sometimes get so happy knowing what fate awaits them from our loving Heavenly Father!

But web sites that support or do not offer material contradicting the church are good and a wonderful tool, and show that God's hand was present in the creation of the internet. Truly sites like FAIR show that God inspired those internet inventors.

Go back to church! Listen to what your leaders tell you -- they know the way, and you can be sure they will not bother you with confusing facts and logic.

All that stuff on the internet can't but hurt your testimony. Some things can't be understood in this life, and it will all be explained later. You'll surely be more comfortable if you do what we tell you to feel good doing.

Molly The Mormon said...

Oh yes hyrum, I think you may be on to something here. These discussions need to start with an invitation to the spirit. In so doing, I know that the spirit of descernment will fall upon those searching the internet for base and discusting entertainment, and will instead direct them to this site which can surely uplift and nourish their collective souls.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Kita Kazoo said...

Molly you forgot to tell people about how Mormon marriage isn't just a normal marriage between two people. It is an eternal union between a God in embryo and his goddess who's job it is to serve his every need.

If one can not make their husband happy how would they be worthy of exaltation? How would she be able in this lesser spiritual state be prepared to meet the needs of their God?

Anonymous said...

Molly, how dare you say that I have gender identity issues. Gender identity is not related to who washes the dishes.

Hyrum, it's this sort of website that really makes me wonder about the Mormon world. Nothing on the internet has turned my head so far away from the church as Molly. Her judgemental, close-minded ways are just not the type of person I want to be. Nor are they the type of person that I want to be associated with.

I try to live my life with compassion and understanding for people who are different than I am or in different situation. Molly's approach is to tell them all they are going to burn in hell.

Hyrum Youngster said...

Anonymous,

Please don't be bitter. We are only giving you a serving of meat to go with your milk, to help ease you into your divinely-ordained role as wife, mother and Saint. If you pray about it all, I'm sure you will receive a clear testimony by the Holy Spirit that all these things are true. I am praying for you and the heathen drug-abusing Wyomians tonight.

Hyrum

Hyrum Youngster said...

Oh, anonymous, I thought you would also be pleased to know I put your name in the temple. The temple patron may find it strange to see "anonymous," but God will know whom he's talking about, and the God will hear the words of his mouth unto blessings in your life.

I hope that helps you feel better and overcome your sins, bad habits and weaknesses so you can return to church!

Your brother in faith,
Hyrum

Anonymous said...

Hyrum,I don't want any of your "meat". I really don't care to even attempt to swallow what you are trying to feed me.

I refuse to dummy myself up for any religion and my God would not ask me to. I do not bow down to Joseph Smith or any living man regardless of Priesthood. Never has my role as wife and mother required the inclusion of servitude nor will it ever. You do not need to worry about easing me into that role because I am firmly planted into that position. I am a very good mother. A mother who refuses to allow her daughter to believe herself any less of a person for not being born a boy.

As for putting my name in the temple...why do you think I am still using anonymous. I don't want a vigil of missionaries sent outside my door to save my soul. They always seem to know when I move houses and I really don't need them tracking my internet activity.

lurker 101 said...

OMG, this is absolutely hilarious!!
I have tears in my eyes.

Brigham Youngster said...

Dear, dear, sister anonymous,

I understand that the burden is heavy and the road hard, but what else is there to do? The prophets have spoken on the matter:

True there is a curse upon the woman that is not upon the man, namely, that 'her whole affections shall be towards her husband,' and what is the next? 'He shall rule over you.'

--Brigham Young, 1856, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 4, p. 57

That is no minor admonition, sister. That is scripture from a prophet of the Lord. I am so proud of great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Brigham, and I am so thankful for his wisdom and how he helps me to appreciate the power of the priesthood. Every word of his resonates through my soul.

Never let stiffnecked pride get in the way of our relationship to Heavenly Father through the Restored Gospel of His one true church. You will be so happy if you repent and humble yourself and repent. It is Satan's plan to get you to think yourself smarter than God or His chosen priesthood leaders, for they know the way and Jesus, even Jesus!, loves and forgives you despite everything you have done.

Oh, my, now you have brought out the scriptorian in me.

I feel impressed to offer you another quote that will help set your mind at ease:

It should be remembered that Lucifer has a very cunning way of convincing unsuspecting souls that the General Authorities of the Church are as likely to be wrong as they are to be right. This sort of game is Satan's favorite pastime, and he has practiced it on believing souls since Adam. He wins a great victory when he can get members of the Church to speak against their leaders and to "do their own thinking." He specializes in suggesting that our leaders are in error while he plays the blinding rays of apostasy in the eyes of those whom he thus beguiles. What cunning! And to think that some of our members are deceived by this trickery.

The following words of the Prophet Joseph Smith should be memorized by every Latter-day Saint and repeated often enough to insure their never being forgotten:

I will give you one of the Keys of the mysteries of the Kingdom. It is an eternal principle, that has existed with God from all eternity: That man who rises up to condemn others, finding fault with the Church, saying that they are out of the way, while he himself is righteous, then know assuredly, that that man is in the high road to apostasy; and if he does not repent, will apostatize, as God lives. (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pp. 156-157.)

When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done. When they propose a plan--it is God's plan. When they point the way, there is no other which is safe. When they give direction, it should mark the end of controversy. God works in no other way. To think otherwise, without immediate repentance, may cost one his faith, may destroy his testimony, and leave him a stranger to the kingdom of God.


Sister, isn't it beautiful in its simplicity! God's plan! It brings me joy, for sure, and I can't wait to hear how much joy it brings you!

Anonymous said...

and to quote the HMS Pinafore:

I always voted at my party's call, And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

Kita Kazoo said...

Quote -
Anonymous said...
Hyrum,I don't want any of your "meat". I really don't care to even attempt to swallow what you are trying to feed me.
End Quote -

Was that a Freudian slip? Or what!?

Hyrum Youngster said...

Sister Anonymous,

Oh, good! It warms my heart to see you coming around. There is wisdom in Mr. Pinafore's words, and it is not surprising he was amply rewarded with rulership over a province.

Goodness, you have moved me to my own poetry!

Follow the prophet, go and do, Ms. Anonymitee,
listen to the Spirit, and you will be
a Queen for all eternitee!

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I love it when you break into song. It moves me like nothing else, except maybe a good testimony.

Anonymous said...

Then maybe you should add more fiber to your diet. That would "move" you.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Good one, anonymous. Good one. I will try that, and I'll let you know if it comes out all right.

Gluby said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gluby said...

Oh, SML, this kind of crap is not good to talk about on Molly's blog. We're all regular people here; we should probably push on past this subject, rather than getting all blocked up about it.

But I still think you are wonderful -- a real diamond in the roughage.

Gluby said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gluby said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Gluby, would you prefer to return to the previous commentary on whether or not BJ stands for brother Joseph?

Doc Loco said...

Oh, I thought you were simply illustrating what you meant by blockage.

But you should know there are several posters here, girls especially, who have quite unhealthy obsessions with excretement and it's processes.

If you would look to Molly's posts on the steps to avoiding gayness, you will likely not find "Thinking About Your or Others Excretement and It's Various Impediments and Processes" listed there.

I mean, I don't want to be graphic about it but if you want to find God and stuff and enjoy all the blessings of BJ and the church, you just have to get your thoughts out of your butts now and then.

Anonymous said...

Doc, I did make a comment that hinted to excrement, as a small joke. I do make small jokes every now and then to try to lighten the mood. I don't suppose everyone find them funny, but they amuse me.

Gluby said...

And speaking of excrement...

I think this unholy fascination with feces has a deeper cause.

You know where I think it comes from?

Well, I'll tell you.

The God of Abraham and Isaac, that's who. He's really got a thing for it.

Think I'm kidding?

Take the Bible Poop Quiz and see if you can, based on your knowledge of the Old Testament, answer the questions.

Yes, it IS a satirical site, and yes it IS serious in all its scriptural references. They are real -- you can check 'em yourself. You've just probably never seen the copious references to dung in the Bible compiled in one place before.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Gluby, where DO you come up with all your reference links? You are a treasure trove...

Molly The Mormon said...

Oh Gluby, you seem like such a studious young man. Why can't you put those same efforts into building the kingdom, you know, be more like Hyrum or Doc Loco.

You would be a great addition to the brotherhood of the priesthood of Joseph. Leave the dark side and come to the one true church and light your light so shine.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sister Mary Lisa said...

LOL, Molly. I thought he was letting his light so shine. It's practically blinding me!

Gluby said...

I guess it's because my wife corrupts me. She is always wanting me to hide my candle under her bushel.

But I will try to let my light shine more.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

LOL Gluby. You're hilarious. Molly's going to get indigestion if she thinks too long on the candle and bushel.

Anonymous said...

i have tears in my eyes too from laughing so hard and trying to hold it in.

anonymous 7

Jane said...

Dear Molly,

Last weekend I wanted to make sure my husband knows how much I appreciate him as my preisthood head so I made him some cookies. Then I made sure he got to watch his sports program even though it was on Sunday and I wasn't too sure if that is ok. We didn't miss sacrement meeting or anything.

But this week in sunday school we had a leson on obeying the sabath and I realized that baking cookies and watching football were both bad things to do. Now I feel really guilty and can't sleep at night.

I was hoping that maybe God won't count it against us if we repent and never have cookies or football on Sunday again. Do you think so?

Anonymous said...

Mocking Gods true church with bring judgments to you all at the last day, consider yourselves warned

Molly The Mormon said...

Oh Jane,

You poor dear soul. My heart aches at the anguish you must be feeling. Let me assure you that you have done nothing wrong and have no need of repentance.

Keeping the Sabbath day holy is a very serious thing, but remember that engaging in activities on Sunday does not neccesarily mean you are breaking the Sabbath.

Why even Steve Young used to play football on Sunday for the San Francisco 69ers, and the LDS church counts Fast Offerings and Tithing donations on Sunday, and even deposits these funds into their accounts on Sunday.

You see, as long as you are engaged in strengthening the church, or supporting the brethren, you are in the service of our heavenly father, savior, and Joseph Smith.

What better way to support the priesthood than by baking cookies for your man, and having his favorite sports team ready for him. (My husband's favorite team is the 69ers).

Let your mind be at ease and go thy way in peace.

In the name of the restorer, yea even Joseph Smith,

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Anonymous said...

Hey, this is great stuff to know. I need to make sure that my wife knows about this stuff and does it... or else. Maybe if my wife finally got her lazy self in gear, things would be great around my home. And the sex would flow overabundantly. It would be about time! Maybe its really me, though. Maybe I don't know how to please my wife properly. Hey, molly the mormon, maybe you can give me some hands-on examples on how to go long, if you get what I'm saying... ;) How about if I sneak over to your place some night and we "discuss" the situation. I'm sure that you could show me plenty of Sunbeams that I've been missing out on. Maybe on a night when your husband is out doing his home teaching. I'm sure we wouldn't want to be discovered in the middle of a one-on-one devotional. Ok, let me know when and where.

Anonymous said...

what the fuck?!?!

Anonymous said...

Although the comments being raised here are about having the sisters do all the work for the brothers, I believe being a brother that we need to establish the biggest gift of all to the sisters through the use of devotion and every once in awhile producing those same ideas for them. This is to let them know we appreciate what they are doing and we show it by recipricating their actions.