Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Not one, but 16 Profits

Oh brothers and sisters, I have great news to exclaim. The true church of God no longer has just a single profit at its head, but now has 16. That's right, I said 16. Here is the official press release:

Official LDS News Release

Now you know that when it comes to church doctrine, it is not only the profit that is speaking, but the quorum of the 12 apostles and the first presidency and the presiding bishop, all speaking the truth. Nay sayers will try to point out that this means we don't have a profit at all, that direct communication from God must go thru correlation, but I poo poo such falty reasoning.

We have not lost a profit, we have gained an additional 15 profits.
This is a time for rejoicing for the time is drawing near that Joseph will return to claim his throne on the left hand of God. (Jesus already took the right hand)

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

24 comments:

Mavis said...

Well Mol, the Mormons sure know how to make a profit...and now 16 more?

Praise Joseph.

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Sideon said...

I got confused when I hit that part where Jesus declared, “By their fruits ye shall know them.” Is he talking about a gay pride parade?

It was all very convoluted and confusing and legalesque.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Sideon, don't use such big words as "legalesque" on Molly's blog. That's not fair to her...keep it simple. She's busy with rearing her 8 children and simplicity is a kindness.

Wow, Mol. Interesting about having even more profits. Very interesting. That should give you even more guidance in holding fast to your iron rod, huh?

Molly The Mormon said...

SISTER MARY LISA !!

Just what do you think your wearing?!
What happened to that sweet little curly headed child that was on the strait and narrow?

Put some cloths on this instant.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Sorry, Molly. I'm happy like this, much happier. Especially now that it's summer and I can feel the breeze through my....ahem. Anyway.

Thanks for the concern, sweetheart.

Mavis said...

Now Molly, don't be hasty, SML might be doing a self breast exam.

Now there is nothing wrong with that, is there?

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Sideon said...

I don't know nothin' about "straight" and "narrow." (I'm not sayin' I'm wide, by any means, abdominally speaking.)

Sorry about the "legalesque" - it just flew out of my mouth.

Molly The Mormon said...

I can't tell if she is getting dressed or undressed. In either case it is an abomination unto our profit.

No Sunbeam points for SML
Sideon gets 1 Sunbeam point for attempting to be straight.
1 Sunbeam point for Mavis for being optimistic - though misguided

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

The Sacred Sister said...

Molly,
Thanks for the fantabulous article. I'm glad that these "misunderstandings" about the LSD church have been clarified for some people. Maybe it's lucyfur talking, but after reading I have some questions... Here's the comment that confused me:

"Not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. A single statement made by a single leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well-considered, opinion, but is not meant to be officially binding for the whole Church."

So, how exactly will I know when the profit(s) are speaking as men or as profit(s)? Will there be some sort of announcement beforehand? Flashing lights? Should I just know by the burning in my bosom? What if I had chili for dinner and I'm not sure if it's heartburn?
So many questions...

btw, someone hijacked my account (Satin?) and replaced my wholesome avatar with this one... I have no idea how to fix it (my husband's not home and I am not allowed to change things like this without his counsel). I have no idea who this unclad woman is, but surely she needs to talk with her bishop.

With love,
The Sacred Sister

Bishop Rick said...

Sacred Sister,

I am always here to counsel with scantily clad sisters that need the type of uplifting that can only come from the priesthood brethren.

Matt said...

Gosh. Who would have thought it? All those profits?!

Cynthia E. Bagley said...

Wow, I feel like I went down Alice's rabbit hole and met the rabbit.

Cheshire, Cyn

Molly The Mormon said...

Sacred Sister,

Now don't you worry your pretty little mind over any of that. You see, when the Profit speaks, the thinking has been done. And I don't just mean 1 Profit, you got, 16 Profits. Some people call this correlation, I like to call it collective prophesy. Kinda gives you great confidence in what GBH is saying. You know that God isn't going to make any mistakes because the brethren will see to it that any mistakes are corrected, edited and made whole, long before you ever hear it or read it.

Oh aren't these latter days just filled with wonder and excitement?

I can't wait until the next general conference.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Astarte Moonsilver said...

It's nice to know that they finally admit God rules by committee!

super cool blog, Molly... keep up the holy work you are doing.

donangelo said...

hello molly,

like i said before i am a ex-mormon,and those so called prophets at the lds cult is false prophets who are on their way to hell,because they have no authority or no integrity,just like the bom,that has no authority and no integrity,the blind leading the blind and you all are going to fall into a ditch,according to the holy bible,let God be true and every man a liar romans 3-4,and all those false prophets at the mormon cult are liars and theives.

Molly The Mormon said...

donangelo,

It is obvious that satin has his grip on your consciousness. Don't be fooled by the firey darts of the cunning one. The Bible is full of false teachings. If you want the truth, then you have only to turn to the most perfect book ever written, yea even the Book of Mormon. In its pages you will find answers to all your worldly problems, and reading it will fill your busom with a burning desire to repent and join the one true church of Joseph Smith.

I admonish you to heed Moroni's promise and grasp onto the rod of righteousness.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

donangelo said...

hello molly,

the holy bible is the absolute word of God,let god be true and every man a liar romans3-4,so you see molly you are a liar,and there is historic proof that the bible is the absolute word of god,because every prophecy that was foretold in the bible has or is coming to pass,but remember i am a ex-mormon and i know joseph f smith was and is a false prophet,who is in hell right now for spreading the bom,and all those other false doctrines that is full of doctrines of demons,because i can tell molly that you are filled with the devil and lust,because of those evil horrible things that you have just said about the holy bible,so repent now in the mighty name of the biblical JESUS CHRIST,because the bom is not the most perfect book,it is the most evil corrupted book and device that the devil has tried to use in our time,so for everyone who owns a book of mormon take my advice and get rid of those doctrines of demons,better yet burn the bom and send it back to hell where it came from.

Molly The Mormon said...

Oh donangel,

I fear for your soul. Having once had the truth, you now choose to deny the spirit. The thought of this makes me quake with the pain of a broken heart.

Repent of your woeful ways before it is too late, or yours is a future of fire and brimstone.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

donangelo said...

hello mollywood,

f.y.i. mormonism was never the truth,it is all a big evil liar,just like joseph smith is a liar,because joseph smith is a false prophet,because i don't deny the holy spirit,because i am filled with the holy spirit,because it is that evil lds religion that deny the spirit,because jesus christ is my lord and savior,and all you mormons are lost because you guys worship that false evil prophet named joseph smith,because all you mormons are already condemned,because you have not believed in the one and only son of God,so it is you mormons who are going to hell.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Someone needs a different book to read: "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

Molly The Mormon said...

Oh I just love that book.

1 Sunbeam point for SML

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

donangelo said...

hello mollywood,

i was just wondering have you and sml ever heard of the rev. Billy Graham,because he is a excellent teacher of the true gospel of our lord Jesus Christ,you guys should really check the christian archives and watch more christian based t.v. programs so you guys can hear some of the rev. Grahams classic sermons,that has led millions of lost souls to salvation,in the biblical Jesus Christ,because there is room at the foot of the cross,because there is power,ressurection power in the blood of the lamb,i plead the blood of the biblical jesus Christ over everyone on this blog right now,that they might be saved,in the mighty name of the biblical Jesus Christ,amen,because only the precious shed blood of Jesus Christ washes our sins away,so that our sins can be forgiven,and so that we can spend eternity in heaven with our heavenly father,so everyone out there please remember this,the biblical Jesus Christ is that blessid assurance,i'm glad i got him.

Paulina said...

so I am the ofspring of an exmo and i have studied mormonism for some time now....
I have never heard that Joseph smith is coming back before where is that at?

Laura said...

molly,

i just wanted to thank you for your wonderful blog. i've been studying Mormonism for some time now. please keep me in your prayers as my baptism into the Church is on August 12th. i thank Heavenly Father and Brother Joseph for sending to me my significant other. without him, i may never have seen the light and finally come to the true church. after i've been a full member for at least a year, we are planning to marry in the temple. hopefully others will see you and strive to be as faithful as you are!

-Laura