Wednesday, January 03, 2007

LDS Inc. = Windows of Heaven

Oh Brothers and Sisters, isn't it wonderful how rich and powerful the LDS church has become? I'm sure you are all aware that the true church of God recently purchased a shopping mall in downtown Salt Lake City for 1 Billion dollars. What you might not know is that the LDS church is the second largest property owner in the world, behind only MacDonalds.

The great thing about this isn't that the LDS church has 1 Billion dollars laying around, or owns more buildings that 7-eleven, but rather that not a single penny of tithing money was used in the purchase of the mall or other like properties purchased recently. These purchases are made solely from funds generated from other LDS business interests. This overwhelming wealth and success can only be attributed to faithfulness of its members.

This is the single-most testiment to a people being blessed by our Heavenly Father since the birth of Joseph Smith, and is a great example of the windows of heaven being opened up pouring out treasures so great that there is not room enough to recieve it.

Brothers and Sisters, this is proof positive that the LDS church is the only true church on the face of this planet, and that the righteousness of its faithful members (full tithe payers) has caused the windows of heaven to open up. This can be you too! I can't wait until the windows of heaven open up for me.

God loves members of his church and shows this love by pouring down blessings for those that have sacrificed in the name of Joseph Smith. I'm not talking about token sacrifices here. I'm talking about the sacrifices of true believers, the ones that will make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

I'm talking about members that pay a full and honest tithing (10+ percent of gross income) plus an honest Fast offering, plus support for the scouting program, plus support for the perpetual education fund, and plus supporting the missionary fund to help pay for the missions of those who are less fortunate and cannot pay their own way.

Brothers and sisters, if you are truly a faithful member of God's true church on earth, you will be paying a good 20-25% of your gross income to the church to support all the auxilary programs, temples, missions, and other business interests, but don't think that you are done with only that minor sacrifice. In addition you should be holding at least 1 major calling in the church, or 2-3 minor callings. A major calling is one that requires you dedicate at least 40 hours a week. Anything less and you are not magnifying your calling. If you have a minor calling that only requires 15-20 hours a week, then you need to go to your bishop and ask for addition callings.
I would try to keep your service to the Lord to around 40 hours a week. This will still leave time for your home and visiting teaching assignments. Remember, that a dedicated HT or VT visits their families at least twice a month. Once a month shows no dedication and gives the appearance of number padding, and we all know that home teaching and visiting teaching is not about the numbers.

Remember, this is the Lord's work, but he can't do it without our help, but with our help and sacrifice, the church will become even more rich and powerful enabling it to have enough money to further the Lord's work by spreading the Gospel and recruiting more faithful members.

Brothers and Sisters, I know that the church is true and this work is inspired of God.
In the name of Joseph Smith,

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

43 comments:

pokerspice said...

Dear Sister Molly,

If one leaves the church, are they handing out tithing refunds? Or do we get to be a shareholder in the SL Mall?

If nothing else, will they at least provide the food at my next family member's funeral? I know that nothing comforts like those delicious funeral potatoes with the corn flakes on top.

If our food storage has expired, may we take it to the cannery for an exchange? I have 67 cans of powdered milk with an exp. date of 1-3-03, and I'm not sure what to do with them. Will the Lord make it unstale if we have a world crisis and I take it to the Steak House?

Unrepentantly Yours,
Poker Spice

Jane Hinesom said...

Hi Molly,

This is Jane again.

I know the church owns some newspapers in salt Lake City. People there must read a lot so the church can buy a mall.

Do you think they will put only LDS products in the Mall? I hope so it would be so easy to get all my church stuff when we go to confrence every year. I need a new temple dress and some shoes this time.

I feel a little guilty that I don't have a major church calling. Should I go ask my Bishop to give me more to do or should I volenteer at the nursing home or hospital or something?

Oksana said...

Molly,
I'm not sure where these ideas are coming from.

I haven't found any verses in the Bible that command believers to tithe 20 to 25%. I know that we are commanded to tithe, but I have never seen an actual amount.

2 Corinthians 9:7 NIV teaches "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

Malachi 3:10 NIV says:
"'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,'" says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."

This verse does not mention a percentage to give though.

I don't see anything that commands us to do the Lord's work for 15 to 40 hours per week either. If a person wanted to do that, I think that's great, but I don't see a command there.

Ephesians 2:10 NIV says
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

It doesn't tell us how many works to do though. I believe that is between the person and the Lord, and God will guide that person by His Spirit as they pray and read the Bible.

The Bible says that people cannot be saved by their "works".

Ephesians 2:8 NIV "it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast."

I am not sure what version of the bible you are reading, but I am challenging you to check out these verses in the version that you use.

God Bless!

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Molly, I'm just curious about what calling(s) you hold. Care to share with us as a beacon of shining example for us to follow?

Jennifer said...

"Rich and Powerful", Overwhelming Wealth and Success"

is this what you call faith and religion?

"the church will become even more rich and powerful enabling it to have enough money to further the Lord's work by spreading the Gospel"


So how is buying a mall accomplishing this?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Watchout said...

Maybe they're gonna put banners with the profits face and have EFY music 24/7!And...and... have like 30% off for lds!

Molly The Mormon said...

pokerspice,

First of all, I don't understand why anyone would want to leave the church, especially since they know in their heart that the church is true.

Tithing money does not belong to you or anyone in the church. It is the Lord's money. You cannot get a refund of something that was never yours to begin with.

Regarding your food storage, if you hold the priesthood, you can make it unstale yourself.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Jane,

Oh I surely hope that the new mall will be an LDS mall. I agree with you that it would be incredibly convenient to buy temple clothing during conference (as long as it is on Saturday).

Your guilt is a good sign. It means that you are headed in the right direction. He who is free from guilt is not progressing, because you can always be doing more, going the extra mile.

If you don't have a major calling, then by all means go directly to your bishop and request additional callings. Remember, the rule of thumb is 40 hours per week of service on average.

Sunbeam Point for you!

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

oksana,

I can tell from your posts that you are a good person with the desire to become like christ in this life. You might even say, good mormon material.

The only thing you lack (aside from the saving ordinances) is a testimony of the true church of Joseph Smith. This lack of understanding is no doubt due to the cunning ways of the fallen one. He is confusing you with false translations of God's word. Look not to the bible for truth, but to the Joseph Smith translation, and even the Book of Mormon and other LDS writings.

Remember, the Gospel is ever changing and we need prophets to guide us with additional wisdom and insight. We cannot depend on counsel solely from one book, especially one that has been corrupted over time.

In addition, there is information in the sealed portion of the Book of Mormon that we are not ready to recieve yet. When that seal is broken, and we have the fullness of the gospel presented to us, these foolish questions will become obvious to us and we will fall face down upon the earth shouting praises to Joseph Smith for restoring the true church.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

pokerspice said...

Oh Molly, you are so wise. I pray that one day I can have a testimony as strong as yours. I shouldn't murmur and evil-speak. I need to be more humble. You have set such a righteous example.

Molly The Mormon said...

Sister Mary,

I am a young women's advisor and member of the ward activities committee. I am also on the ward welcoming committee and go on missionary splits regularly. In my spare time I organise bake sales to raise money to send personalized Books of Mormons to missionaries in the field. I also take my famous chocolate chip cookies to inactive members regularly and invite them to ward activities, extending true christian fellowship to them. I am the chairman of our neighborhood quilting club, host monthly LDS book reviews, and sing in the choir.

I wish I could do more, but I need at least 4 hours of sleep a night, and still need to visit teach at least twice a month, raise our 7 1/2 kids, and keep my husband happy.

Oh, and don't forget scripture study, morning and evening family prayers and date night.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

Jennifer,

This should be obvious to you. By investing in various business ventures, the church has created several revenue streams in different segments of the marketplace. This assures that if one area of the market is down, there are other interests that can augment the bottom line. The LDS Mall is but one of many business ventures. The LDS church owns radio stations, tv stations, newspapers, publishing companies, bookstores, distribution centers, clothing outlets, farms and ranches, banks, malls, hotels, restaurants, colleges, universities, film studios, not to mention all the properties and its investment porfolio. I'm sure I have left off several other church holdings.

More revenue streams, means more revenue opportunities, which means, more money, which means more influence and ability to advertise and build ward houses and temples, accomodating more and more converts to the true ways of the Lord.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Harry Dick said...

Molly,

You're hot. Whats your phone number? I don't think you're husband would mind... or Joseph Smith for that matter.

Joseph Smith said...

Yeah, I'm cool with it.

Molly The Mormon said...

Harry Dick,

I assure you that my temperature is quite comfortable, and we don't have a phone. We decided as a family to sacrifice our phone and take the money we would have used for that bill, and put it towards our son's mission fund.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sideon said...

Molly:

I love shopping malls! I'm so glad that the LDS church invested their fiscal blessings into something tangible for non-members and heathens, such as myself. Heaven knows that the secret handshakes, temple ordinances, gossamer garments (they ARE fun to take off, mind you, though I've never had the priveledge of wearing them), and the sexual and dietary restrictions are an instant and utter turn off. But shoppping? How brilliant! Everyone loves shopping! What better way to reel in the masses? At a shopping mall, Utah's motto becomes a reality: "the world is welcome here."

Here's the only important question, and I KNOW you will have the answer: does Jesus love shopping at Macy's, Bloomingdales, or Nordstrom, and will he be okay with extended holiday hours or stores that are traditionally open on Sunday?

Smooches.

Just one of many said...

Holy Molly Mother of God,
My question is how did they gain the money to buy these other businesses, ranches, and investment portfolios? Did Joe find a kettle of gold along with the golden plates? Or, did this money once come from hard earned tithing money?
BTW, is there going to be a naughty sex shop in the mall...I heard there was going to be alcohol sales in the restaraunts and thought once I got good and ripped I could go buy something kinky!

Anonymous said...

Mocking Gods true church with bring judgments to you all at the last day, consider yourselves warned

Just one of many said...

I think Anon has a stick up his wazoo!! LOL!

Sister Mary Lisa said...

OOoooooh, we've been warned. I just felt a chill go down my spine. Was that the spirit whispering to me??

Molly The Mormon said...

Just one of many,
sister mary lisa,

Anon is right on the money. God will not be mocked.

The true chuch, as established by Joseph Smith, is here to convert and save the souls of those lusty harlots that strive to tempt the holy priesthood thru sins of the flesh.

Stop kicking against the pricks.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Jennifer Allen said...

you put money in a mission fund for your son but still have a computer with internet acces

Anonymous said...

The satire is excellent, please keep it up.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

OK, Molly, I stand duly chastised.

Trevor said...

Mossy Mormon,

You need to grow a brain or buy a spell checker or both -- you can't even spell "Ramiumptum" correctly. Go look it up -- LOL!!

Your pet guinea pig has a bigger brain than you! LOL!!

aerin said...

Trevor -

Why must you insult such a valiant sister?

Even Joseph Smith misspelled over 3000 words when he translated the Book of Mormon.

Molly The Mormon said...

Jennifer Allen,

I don't have a computer or home internet access. I use the local library for computer access. Even still, this blog is a noble missionary tool worthy of an investment. The worth of a soul is boundless.

Aerin,

Well said.
Sunbeam point for you.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Jennifer Allen said...

so you waste all that gas to do a blog that is inaccurat and false ... what a worth while investment

Trevor said...

Aerin,

Joseph Smith didn't misspell any words while translating the Book of Mormon.....his scribes did! LOL!!

Mossy Mormon,

Hav ewe purrchest a spel chequer yett.?; Bee karefull er else satin (or rayon or silk) wil get ewe.

LOL!!

Buy a clue, Mossy -- they're a dime a dozen!

Just one of many said...

Trevor, you need to eat more green jello!!

Molly The Mormon said...

Your opposition only serves to prove that the cause of Joseph Smith is just and worth while. And yea, even shall it withstand the fiery darts of the adversary, whilst persevering to the end. For thus saith the Lord.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Molly, you tell him. What does Trevor want with you anyway? Why doesn't he just leave you alone??

Trevor said...

Just one,
You know, you're right -- green jell-o rocks, especially when they put those little grated carrots inside. Very tasty! Have you tried the punch and cookies, too?

Mossy,
Actually my opposition only serves to prove that ewe stil nneeed uh spel chekquer. Laff oat loude! Thatt’z naught howe ewe spel “Ramiumptum”. Bee verie karefull oar elze satin (or rayon or silk or any variety of polyester/cotton blend for that matter) mite gett ewe!

Just one of many said...

Trevor, I was thinking more along the lines of green jell-o shots!! Tequila & vodka work well, but in your case add some everclear...works faster!

Trevor said...

JUst oNe uv MAnY,

Tttook yer adviicse *hic* abaoutt teh everclearrr.... i...i...liked it.... nOW i HaVE two computers..;.@..~....

i....I...i fffeel sssoooo...hap...happp....

wuzzai...sayinnng sumptheeng...??

Sideon said...

Slapstick Mormonism. Thanks, Trevor, for the cultural contribution.

Yeah.

As funny as The Gong Show. Without Jean Jean the Dancing Machine. Or the gong.

Nevermind. You're probably way too young to even know the references.

Go back to drinking your Kool-Aid - remember to slam it back, like good ole Joe.

Just one of many said...

Is it me or is Trevor a naughty boy in need of some repenting. I know how to TREAT naughty boys!! And yes, they are SO obedient when I am through with them!

ruadamu2 said...

Molly,

Are you friggin for real? As stupid as mormons are for believing LDS nonsense, even most don't believe this crap to the level that you do.

Ramitupyours,

IMA DAMU

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Ruadamu2,

Ramitupyours? Too funny. But I fear you're gonna lose Sunbeam Points for that comment, sadly.

Anonymous said...

yeash, you people need to shut up about Molly. I'm not morman, but that doesn't give me any reason to come and her make fun of the things she says or does. Just because you disagree with her and find the things she believes irrational doesn't mean you should come here and point out everything you find wrong. You just look like jerks, even to people like me who disagree with Molly. Give it a rest.

Trevor said...

Just one of,
Hey, now, go easy on me -- I bruise very easily....!!

Sid,
I was watching The Gong Show when you were still knee-high to an ex-mo, soiling your wee little diapers. And it's punch, not Kool-Aid -- sheesh, dude, get it right.....

IMA,
DAMU, too.

Hey Mossy,
When you get that spell checker, maybe you could let anonymous here borrow it for a spell....get it? For a spell? Ha ha

Melliferous Pants said...

This post is so full of awesome righteousness it makes me want to kiss you on the mouth, then spend all my hard earned money at the new mormon mall. I sure hope they only let "our kind" in. You know, check temple id's or something. Maybe they could ask us to quote something translated by his majesty, the womanizer Jo Smith! I can't wait to see all the righteous creations next time I visit Utah. I hope they have a super sized mormon handicraft store.

Anonymous said...

jesus christ sucks a big one.