Thursday, September 27, 2007

Sunbeam and Brimstone Points

Dear brothers and sisters, I have decided to create a new feature to my blogernacle where I display both Sunbeam and Brimstone points. This will give you a chance to see how you are doing on your quest for eternal perfection. This is not to create rivalries or jealousies, but should be veiwed as encouragement.

I now have everyone listed with the number of Sunbeam and Brimstone points they have earned to this point. I will keep the listing updated from this point forward.

How It Works
When I observe a worthy act on this blog, I offer a Sunbeam point, and vice versa, a Brimstone point. Totally subjective on my part.

The way you get rid of a Brimstone point is to earn 10 Sunbeam points. Although your Brimstone point will be changed to 0, your name will remain on the Brimstone list as a reminder of what can happen when you let go of the rod of righteousness.

This is not an official declaration, but you can assume that the following rankings are a somewhat accurate assessment of where you are in the eternal scheme of things:

1-10 points = member
11-20 points = deacon
21-30 points = teacher
31-40 points = priest
41-50 points = elder
51-60 points = bishop
61-70 points = steak president
71-80 points = seventy (of course)
81-90 points = apostle
91-100 points = profit
100+ points = calling and election made sure

I must point out that women are only eligible for member status regardless of the number of Sunbeam points they earn.


Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

56 comments:

Molly The Mormon said...

Ok brothers and sisters, after much toiling I have added up all the Sunbeam and Brimstone points for everyone who has ever posted on this blog.

Sideon, fr33k, good job !!
Let these stalwart brethren be an inspiration to the rest of you.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Molly The Mormon said...

lostinutah, Bishop Rick, Lemmon,

I think you folks got some Sunbeamin to do. Get with it.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

lostinutah said...

Molly, while you have granted me my Brimstone point, which was deservedly and well earned, I simply do not understand how I undo them or earn Sunbeam points. Can you explain a little more how I can become at least a member if not a deacon? I am obviously a gentile and really unlearned in the ways of becoming a member of the Quorum. Whoops, I'm a female so I guess that's out. Maybe a member of the Relife Society?

Not that I necessarily want to get rid of my brimstone points, please know. Earning brimstone points here helps me not earn them at work in Utah County where the Profit really has his eyes and ears out. Heh heh.

Thanks for your earnest efforts in helping to keep me as pure as possible. I remain, however, "lostinutah".

P.S. I find it quite unfair that Pete Dunn has a sunbeam point and I don't. Have you SEEN his blog?

C. L. Hanson said...

Yeah, how does one get sunbeam points?

Sideon said...

Like, OH MY HECK!

I LOVES me my Molly and Sunbeam points! I'm as happy as a married profit with a 14 year old virgin, happy as Packer playing with his little factory (emphasis on little), happy as, happy as... well, you get the idea.

Molly The Mormon said...

Brothers and Sisters, it pleases me to see that so many of those without Sunbeam points are interested in finding out how to get them. Well, its easy. When I observe a worthy act on this blog, I offer a Sunbeam point award. Totally subjective on my part.

They way you get rid of a Brimstone point is to earn 10 Sunbeam points. Although your Brimstone point will be changed to 0, your name will remain on the Brimstone list as a reminder of what can happen when you let go of the rod of righteousness.

I must point out that women are only eligible for member status regardless of the number of Sunbeam points they earn. I would not want to foster false hopes.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Oh my. I sure wish I remember what I had done to gain sunbeam points. Ah well. Focus should always be on brimstone points anyway, keeps the fear alive.

BTW, Molly, love the new look of your blog.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

And I'm not just saying that to suck up and earn more points. Really. And your new photo looks fabulous. :)

Molly The Mormon said...

SML,

From the spirit of Joseph that dwells in my busom, I have descerned that your intentions are true.

1 Sunbeam point for you.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

paranoidfr33k said...

Molly,

Thank you. Thank you. Although this achievement is most deserving, I must congratulate my fellow brothers and sista's. They have proven to be of the most stalwart faith. Their obedience to the gospel and words of smith, joseph are inspiring. Their example helps me be a better person. And you, you are the light at the end of the tunnel. Your judgment is right and true.

I know this blog is true. I feel it with every fiber of my being that your blog was translated from your pure heart. I love my mother and father, oh and my wife and daughters too.

lostinutah said...

This blog might be true, but what kind of chicken church outfit only allows me to be a MEMBER? Isn't that really something associated with a man?

Just sayin'...........

Molly The Mormon said...

lost,

Believe me, you don't want any of the burdens associated with holding the priesthood. Women have it lucky, all we have to do is have babies and support our priesthood brethren. We don't have to get involved in all the hard decision making, administration, management, financial, or any other priesthood responsibility.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

lostinutah said...

I support the priesthood brethren (unwillingly) at work, believe me I'm not about to do it at home. I've had it up to here with the priesthood.

Molly The Mormon said...

lost,

There is your first problem. You have a job instead of staying at home raising babies. You are probably involved in a Gay relationship with a co-worker.

Please end this Gay lifestyle and put all your energy towards the true calling of women. Get married and have babies. Raise them to be tithe paying priesthood brethren and support-meets. Herein lies your true happiness. Anything else is of Satin.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

lostinutah said...

Dear Molly,

Thank you for your counsel. I realize this may be a bit hard for you to get, but I get to do both - have a job (which I don't like, that is the fault of the company I work for, not the job itself) and have two beautiful children. I guess if I'm a woman who is supposed to be a man, I must be in a gay relationship since I really like my husband (he just doesn't tell me what to do...ahhhh...)

And, I don't have to have sex only when I want to get pregnant. Then again, being around 40ish, I am way too old to be havin' any babies.

If that's of Satin, give me about 500 more yards of it. Though I still prefer Egyptian Cotton.

Bless you Molly for being so tolerant of us gayism type gentiles! I learn a LOT from you...trust me!

:)

Anonymous said...

Dear Molly,
As ever, I strive to perfect myself. Whatever sunbeam points that follow are added blessings!
JOOM!

Lemon Blossom said...

Oh, Molly, I have been slack in my duties. I have been a busy little homemaker, though, so hopefully that accounts for something. And I have been fully supporting Gluby in his MEMBERship of The One True Church. I hope this helps to add something to my Sunbeam points.

I always admire your righteousness and your strength in enduring to the end. Thanks, Molly!!

Interested said...

Molly,
I do so thank you for adding my site to your "do not visit" list. I am trying to become a better person. Today I added 3 names to my geneology log.

Molly The Mormon said...

Dear brothers and sisters,

I must say that I am in a very good mood today. I got a secret sister muffin from...well I'm not sure, but it made my day. Because of this I am going to pass out Sunbeam points to following folks:

Joom: 1 Sunbeam Point for striving for perfection.

Lemon: 1 Sunbeam Point for attending to your priesthood leaders needs. Every MEMBER needs attention from time to time.

Interested: 3 Sunbeam Points for your geneology work. Now let's strive to get you off my "do not visit" list.

Ramiumptum,

Molly the Mormon

Interested said...

Molly,
Thank you for the Sunbeam points. i just read Will Bagley's book and I am just so upset! I think he is trying to discredit Brother Brig'um and he says he is proud of his mormon heritage...ummm

C. L. Hanson said...

I actually quit my job recently, and while it wasn't really for the purpose of becoming a SAHM, that has been the effect lately: I spend lots more hours spent taking care of my husband and children that I would normally be spending on more lucrative pursuits. Do I get a sunbeam point?

Here's the controversial part though: My husband isn't a priesthood holder, he's actually atheist, Catholic, and French. Plus I often serve him coffee, tea, and beer. But only because that's what he wants.

lostinutah said...

Well, thinking along certain lines, I deserve a sunbeam point because I tend to my husband's needs, rub his back, cook him dinner and ask him to let himself relax. And, I take care of his MEMBER. All of this while working. Molly, any chance of some sunbeamin?

Bishop Rick said...

How does the saying go?
Every MEMBER a missionary.

George said...

I like the thing about women! They will always remain a "member"... Muffins?

Anonymous said...

Hey, Molly, would love to see your slant on the General Conference. Or whatever you call that big conglomeration.

Mavis said...

Hey Mol, I didn't realize I had four Sunbeam points.

Cool!

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

Anonymous said...

Molly,

Thank you for posting the tally of Sunbeam points. I had lost track.

Ann Onymous

Wayne said...

You don't know me, but if you look at just one of my blogposts you might bless me with one brimstone point. Please?

Jennifer Allen said...

hi molly remember me? shouldn't i get a brimstone point because the only way i enter your blog is by going through a "DO NOT ENTER" zone?{trapped be the mormons}

Isa Tuff said...

My Dearest Molly,
Your intellectual thought patterns are tickling my spiritual reproductive organs. I am so happy there are still women like you that if you don't mind that I quote Brandon Flowers (another mastermind from Provo), "aggressively we all defend the roles we play", and you've let us all understand the gospel in a new found way, with open eyes the light from you pours inside my mind, to brighten up the darkness that I previously sat in. Few I need to take a second to recooperate just the thought of your spiritual muscles flexin make my body overheat with excitement. Please let me know how I could found worthy to earn your sunbeam points and in what ways I could better serve to your truely just cause. Yours Truly
Isa Tuff Beerson

glo said...

Molly said: I must point out that women are only eligible for member status regardless of the number of Sunbeam points they earn.

just one more reason i will never become a mormon. it is in direct oposition witht he call god has laid on my heart. which is to be a theology professor and speaker.

Mavis said...

Mol, where are you?

I'm in serious jeopardy without your homespun wisdom, and I smell brimstone sweetie.

Return soon,

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

An Enlightened Fairy said...

Oh Molly, You are such an inspiration!
How you find the time to tend to all your little ones, support your priesthood holder, serve Brother Joseph and harvest lost souls is beyond me.
Patiently waiting for your next post...
E.F.

INTJ Mom said...

You blog is absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.

tiredmormon said...

Ms. Mormon,

As a priesthoody holder, I beseech you, nay command you, to post more insightful comments about the glorious truth of the profits.

I also command you to appear at the Salt Lake temple to enter into the holy covenant of eternal polygamous marraige with me.

In the Holy Name of Baurak Ale,

TiredMormon

Isa Tuff Beerson said...

Oh my sweet molly,
sometimes your true innocence shows through as ignorance, but I am still waiting to confirm that you are actually getting my thoughts sent to you in the form of spiritual darts, trying to prick your body and let the tranquilizers slowly overtake your mind til you are completely vunerable. Now please let the firey, smoltering stones of brim fly upward catpulting towards my inevitable stoning as I am forever unworthy to be in your presence or let the small gradual light start shining in my world of darkness as I see your return slowly come up from behind the mountain like the time we sat and watched the sunrise. Let the new day shine and let the points fly.

Sideon said...

Good golly, but where's Miss Molly?

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Heya Mol,

How was your Thanksgiving? I hope it was all you wished for and more.

Anonymous said...

stop using the lds church as an excuse for being such a narrow minded asshole.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous,

I don't believe that the LDS church is anyone's excuse, but more a format. Molly and the others are who/how they are AND they are mormon. If you don't like it...don't visit. If, on the other hand, you like a good conversation on some obviously differing opinions, pick a topic and make a point.

Ann Onymous

mavis said...

Hey Mol,

If you should happen to drop by anytime before 2008, may I wish you a Merry Smithmas.

Bring'um Young,

Mavis

JulieAnn Henneman said...

Molly

AFter much prayer and fasting, I was finally led to your site while viewing bestial pornography online. I KNOW God led me here to see the light. I would please like a Sun-BEEM! point, because I stopped looking at the abominations after only an hour, and I feel I am progressing.

Gosh you rule. I will clean up my act and add you to my blogroll.

inthenameofjesuschristamen

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Merry Christmas, Molly girl. I hope that your preparations with that many kids isn't overwhelming you.

Happy Holidays! We'd love to hear how you are doing these days...

The Sinister Porpoise said...

Molly, is it true that you're married to Bishop Rick or is this just a wild rumor that has been going around among the brothers and sisters who visit your bloggernacle?

I guess I should feel honored for the Sunbeam point, but I cannot remember what I did to earn such a high honor.

Anonymous said...

Here's a thought - Molly, like Mitt Romney, is afraid to 'splain herself.

Just sayin'

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Cut you a deal, Molly. I'll post if you post. We can give each other inspiring topics to write about, if that helps. (I kinda need help, you see)...

Anonymous said...

Ummmm, you kinda spelled most of the church words wrong.. Prophet, Stake President, and several others. Thats besides the point though, you are sadly on the wrong path. The scriptures clearly state that if an infant dies it goes to heaven, which means that they didnt have a chance to earn any 'points', which is ok since thats not what this life is about! Great women in the scriptures are mentioned several times, and they were told they were saved. The scriptures are very clear that being a simple member, if you serve god with all your heart and obey his commands, is enough to earn celestial glory which is the highest!

Anonymous said...

Molly, would you get with the program?

I need more brimstone points. Apparently.

Anonymous said...

Hey! It's Molly's blog and she can say anything and discriminate any way that she wants. The Mormon church is reported to have the highest accumulated wealth of any religion and you want to say that the head of it isn't a profit?
Life may not be about points, but I certainly think that a blog can be.

Now, Molly, where have you gone? Did you have another baby or something? It has been months!

Ann Onymous

Sister Mary Lisa said...

We need some more Molly wisdom. Clearly.

mavis said...

Mol, where are you? Come back soon!

Sister Mary Lisa said...

It's nearing a year since you posted, Mols.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't tell if this site is a joke or not. If it's making fun of LDS people then.. haha, whatever I don't even care.

If your serious, and your really LDS... then your a real superfreak. And the reason why I hate Utah.

:)

Avery said...

Yay! point 1 for me! Not that it matters, I'll only get to heaven if my husband lets me! :D

Anonymous said...

Dear Molly,
As your ideas are clearly not of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints I hope you will no take offense to me refraining from calling you Mormon. I would like to say that I found your posts amusing however the amusement went strait to horror quite quickly. I am curious however how many of your frequent writers are of your creation. In short I would like to ask what your goal for this sight is. Clearly it is misleading. You have created a brilliant sight to encourage people who might be interested in the church to run the other direction. I think you created this sight to mislead people and I congratulate you on your success.
Sincerely
Liz

y-intercept said...

I love your blog so much that I would like to marry you, your sister and some random woman who will do the dishes and cook for us.

Three wives and a boatload of sunshine points should buy us a pretty nice planet in the heavenly kingdom!