I have been silent lo these many months, because I was blessed to give birth to my eighth child, Helaman. I know I am blessed among women and I embrace my divine roll, that of Mother. Being a mother is indeed my work and my glory. There is no higher honor than this for me. I am so very glad that I was blessed to have yet another boy! The world surely needs more righteous priesthood bearers. I am glad to have my one sweet daughter, Emma, to help me in the household duties, but nothing compares to the swelling in my bosom I get when I see my dear boys all lined up in a row at church in their Sunday best. I can’t wait til the day that they all bear their priesthood in righteous dominion over their own families, yea, even their own worlds someday.
I’m ashamed to say I faltered for a while after Helaman was born. I have always strived to be the kind of wife Brother Joseph wants me to be for him. I worked very hard to do my duties with a heart full of song after I came home with my baby the day after he was born. But no matter how hard I tried to smile, and be the happy wife my husband needs, and the happy mother my children need, I didn’t feel it inside.
I tried so hard to hide my unhappiness…..until it all blew up one day. My dear husband Peter came home to find me curled up on the kitchen floor, sobbing, my hair a wild mess like he’d never seen before since I always freshen up just before he gets home to please him. I hadn’t maid dinner yet, or cleaned the house! If he only knew how long I’d been lying there, he’d have really been upset. Instead, he took me by the arms and commanded me to pull myself together.
Then the Spirit prompted him to give me a priesthood blessing. I was so distraught in my unhappiness, yet through my haze of sin and sadness, I remember him blessing me that I must live the gospel to be truly happy, and I must avoid evil and the misery it brings. He blessed me to go to my bishop immediately, and repent of my sins in order to find happiness once again, since shedding my sins is the only way to happiness. He told me that I must stop listening to Satin who is the enemy of all righteousness, and start focussing once again on the words of Joseph. He blessed me that only the voice of Satin can cause me to feel such sadness.
I must admit I didn’t feel an immediate lifting of my sorrows, but I knew from his inspired blessing that I would only find such a lifting through deep repentance and finding forgiveness for my sins. I immediately went to bed after making Peter his dinner, giving the kids their baths, and putting them down to bed with their half hour of scripture reading, and in bed I pondered what my sins were that would cause me such grief and misery. It took me a while, but suddenly I KNEW.
A few weeks before my blessing, my friends in the Relief Society threw a baby shower for me. It was beautiful! I enjoyed the sisterhood we all shared as they honored me for reaching another goal in fulfiling my divine roll. I know that some women envy me for my 8 children, but that can’t be helped. We can’t all be worthy of Joseph’s love and praise. Anyway, my next door neighbor is inactive, and the Relief Society President warned me she was going to invite Betty to my shower to try to get her to start coming back to church. She asked Betty to bring a dessert to get her to commit to coming. She brought over the most beautiful cake, a dark colored cake with raisins and glaze. It looked so good, I had to have some. It had a delicious flavor I couldn’t place. All I knew was I’d never tasted cake that tasty before...I even had two pieces, it was that good. It was so good, that it made me want to do wild and crazy things. Things I had never even thought to do before. My head was just spinning, with visions of debauchery swirling around. I wanted to please my husband in ways that shouldn't be mentioned. Luckily I came down from my high before Peter got home. Who knows what I would have done to that Peter.
And still, after those reactions, I told her I just had to have the recipe. That must have been Satin talking, not me. I couldn't help it, I was out of my mind. And I found out why the next day, when she brought me the recipe. RUM RAISIN CAKE! I had partaken of Satin’s Vile Brew! I was so distraught over what I had done, that I completely missed my visiting teaching appointment that afternoon, compounding my sin and cementing my unhappiness.
It was then that I knew I must see the Bishop at once! But I put it off out of shame and guilt, and lo, that’s why I broke down. The guilt and sadness was too much to bare. How could I let the Bishop know that I had drifted from the true path of glory? I had let him down, I had let my husband down, and I had let my husband to be (brother Joseph) down. I was no longer worthy to hold the divine title of Mother in Zion. Oh the shame of it all! Thank Joseph for the principal of repentance. My very soul was racked with the pain of my sin. I felt like the very bowels of hell should come and swallow me up. I am ashamed to admit that my way of dealing with this guilt was to shut it out of my mind. Yea, even to forget it ever happened.
But I did indeed go to my bishop, for I knew that was what Joseph would have me do. Bishop rebuked me and admonished me to abstain from taking the sacrement for 2 months. I expected much worse, and even tried to get the bishop to lengthen it, to be sure that Joseph would forgive me in full, but Bishop assured me that 2 months was enough. During those two months, however, I didn’t feel worthy to post on my blog. How can I testify when I don’t have the Spirit to guide me??
But now I’m back, firm in my testimony that repenting of your sins is the only way to find true joy and happiness. I can’t tell you how much sorrow and misery I’ve felt these past few months. But I know that we can overcome all sadness if we but repent and sin no more.
Ramiumptum,
Molly the Mormon
